%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4360098 |
| This is your local Simply Positive Reviewer, here! Your writing has been selected for review, as part of Simply Positive's mission to bring more light on Authors here at WDC! First Impressions: Every now and then, I discover a piece on this site that is quite creative, quite inspiring spiritually, quite unsettling too. You see, I think the talented author planned to do all three of these when wondering just what would "fit" within this story - not unlike a painter standing back to view the easel, seeing where more watercolor could be added to the scenery, etc.... So yes, this was quite a stirring poem all in all. I do think that there are some rough edges in need of overhauling though. In fact, when I read this, I was thinking, "Heck, this is PROSE!" And good PROSE at that!  But what, mind us all reading this review, would this look like in POETIC FORM? I thought I might give the author a look at what this would appear like in the forms of stanzas, etc, that Poets often write in here on WDC.Your writing is flowing, with plenty of details to share with the reader. We have lots of "tell" here, but am I right in thinking that there could be plenty more of "show"? Its all in the eyes of the beholder, yes? Overall Impact: Here is what I thought your writing would look like in stanzas, in Free Verse form (of course!) I merely am suggesting this for you to gaze upon and decide for yourself if this re-write of your story might give you a sense of the world opening up, with HUGE AMOUNTS of POSSIBILITIES landing at your feet?  So please, do know, I write over this work only so that the Poet can see for themselves what it is that I mean by offering the world a different glimpse of those same words you use! Here, let me try my hand at this: Na Tum Bewafa Ho Na Bewafa Hain The Heritage Hotel prohibits you to anywhere except on the insides, except within the interior for they knew of Parulekha she of the songs sung "na tum bewafa ho na hum bewafa hai ... and then disappearing within her darkness, her darkened world... She and only she who be wearing the lehenga choli and hearing the call - "Take the ghunghat, take the ghunghat" where she too be singing sadness songs and soon to disappear in her darkness her sadness songs and darkness belongs with her! Na Tum Bewafa Ho Na Bewafa Hain... Na Tum Bewafa Ho Na Bewafa Hain... Devendra arrived to sweep her off her feet like an ocean's storm to make her feel complete some twenty seven years ago to which then he eloped to marry within a Royal Family. Na Tum Bewafa Ho Na Bewafa Hain... Na Tum Bewafa Ho Na Bewafa Hain... The pain of separation so great, resulting in her Death to expiate not one thing imperfect nor perfect shame left to hang, then taken down, and buried in the darkness enveloping, in the darkness enclosing ... Na Tum Bewafa Ho Na Bewafa Hain... Na Tum Bewafa Ho Na Bewafa Hain ... All through the night, peoplefolk must remain on the inside walls, within the interior worlds as she sing-songs through and past the throng that so incredulously watches, and those that stalk her through and hopefully to her darkness have no earthly idea what awaits them should they forget their curfew for she walks across the dark verandah singing softly up and above, and around the minds of those simply passing through... Na Tum Bewafa Ho Na Bewafa Hain... Na Tum Bewafa Ho Na Bewafa Hain ... Errors: Yes, in the paragraph provided by what I believe is a talented author, I think there are typos and matters of grammar that Time and effort will soon reveal their graceful selves to this writer. Summation: Wow, I didn't think such a short prose-like story would have such an effect upon me, and in truth, it does ... because like so many others before and arriving after me here and reading this, will most likely come to that conclusion as well. Do know that I offered my time to give the author a simply idea of what her words would look like in stanzas, etc - that could offer (I hope) a glimpse of what powerful words can do within the wordsmith craft! I merely wanted to give the author that moment to perhaps be inspired as much as I was, and from here, perhaps open the doors for even more creativity in the future as well!KEEP WRITING!! Once again, thank you for providing me the opportunity to read and review for Simply Positive; this also has been written in affiliation with
Yours, "Dr.J"  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
||||||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 09/09/2017 @ 6:54am EDT