Hello, Azrael Tseng!

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One " 

Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.

When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.

Today I'm reading:

Invalid Item  This item number is not valid. #2125216 by Not Available.

Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?


Firstly, I hope you're going to come up with a more original title. Since "frying pan into the fire" is such a popular idiom, your title comes across as cliche. You've come up with so many good titles for your many short stories, I'm sure you can think of something stronger, or less cliche, for this novel.

Your actual story starts with some good action, an awesome setting, and establishes who the main characters and viewpoint characters are. That's great. You might like to introduce Theia as Princess Theia the first time her name is mentioned (paragraph 3 - when I first read it, I wondered how this girl had managed to drag three men, one a lord and the other an officer, into anything. If I'd known she was a princess before reading the rest of the paragraph, I wouldn't have been confused about their relative statuses).

Characters — are they well rounded?


The four characters are likable, and I'm pleased that they each represent a different class of person and so hint at the structure of the society from which they come. I particularly liked the word "under-dweller", which spoke oceans about the stratification of people in their society in just one word.

However, I'm rather disappointed about the characterization of Theia. This is a novel, not a short story, and this is your opening chapter. Though we've followed her through a battle scene of sorts, I've no idea:
1) how old is she?
2) what does she look like?
3) is she married/engaged/have kids? (I'd expect some thought of relatives when she thinks she's gonna die) If she's a princess, is she in charge of the nation, or is she acting for her mom or dad?
4) what are her immediate aims and goals?
5) does she have any interests beyond the plot that might help here? However, I was pleased by her prayers, etc, showing some beliefs and helping to shape her. I wasn't impressed by her lack of knowledge about fighting.

Basically, Azrael, you had a whole chapter in which to introduce this lady to me, and yet she's still a blank. As a reader, that means that I'll fill in my own ideas so that I can visualize the scene. Of course, that means that if you tell me she looks like Jessica Alba in the next chapter, I'll be completely thrown because it will conflict with the image I've already grown inside my mind.

Plot — does your first chapter introduce or hint at the main conflict?


Clear conflict from the start. Good end hook.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


You need to learn how to use lulls in action to bring in description and setting and not over describe during action scenes. See below for detailed notes about this.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?


This is very clear in terms of general grammar and language. You do some nice showing. However, I feel that your structure is lacking in this particular piece. Please see the detailed notes below.

Notes:

strong and authoritative, yet calm and gentle at once. - maybe, strong and authoritative, yet calm and reassuring. - the "at once" adds nothing.

Eyelids fluttered open like a young butterfly just out of a chrysalis - awesome simile! However, "a" is the indefinite article. the chrysalis is definite, ie. it's the chrysalis that belongs to the previously identified butterfly. So… a young butterfly just out of its chrysalis, or maybe, a young butterfly emerging from its chyrsalis.

"Are you alright, your Highness?" - two style issues. First, "alright" is informal. It is still considered better to write "all right". Second, all parts of a title are capitalized, so… "Are you all right, Your Highness?"

"Thanks to the outstanding skills of our pilot..." - two things. First, if you intend to imply that Rijken cut him off, then you need to end with an emdash (Hold down "Alt" and press 0151 to get —) not an ellipsis (Hold down "Alt" and press 0133 to get a genuine… which is actually more compact than three periods and only counts as one character in character count). An emdash signifies the abrupt end to speech when interrupted, whereas an ellipsis is used either for missing parts of speech and quotes or speech trailing off. Second, I'd also like to say that at this point you could have introduced more of the surroundings, ie. as she opened her eyes and then was helped to sit up by Lord Bleakbart, she should take in their surroundings, first noting the relative position and CONDITION of the airship at this time and then second the nature of the surrounding landscape, whether desert, forest, jungle… whatever. If you only introduce setting details as they become relevant to action, then they are not adequately foreshadowed.

"My deepest gratitude to the both of you - I was confused by this. Is she thanking Lord Bleakbart for Captain Raynor's actions? Captain Raynor isn't there, but what she's saying implies he is since she appears to be thanking him.

and surveyed her surroundings. - she's the viewpoint character. Don't just tell us that she surveyed the surroundings, SHOW us what she sees!!!

Rijken spat a huge sticky dollop onto the sand, - nice! don't forget that multiple adjectives should really be separated out by a comma, ie. a huge, sticky dollop

earning a frown of consternation from the gentleman beside him. - you might like to say "aristocrat" or "noble" rather than "gentleman"

Running back across the strange-colored sand, Captain Raynor pumped his legs - this "strange-colored sand" is what wasn't foreshadowed. It's too late bringing in such detail once the action has started, and it even slows the pace of the action because you have to put extra words in between the actions. In fact, "strange-colored" is an extremely weak description. Name the color. You need a lot more setting detail before this point. When he said "yonder ridge", you need a detailed description of what the ridge looks like. Have Princess Theia strain her eyes to see if she can see Captain Raynor, and that will allow her viewpoint to provide details or what their surroundings look like.

“RUN!!” he roared as the crab-like swarm flowed past him and made for the three in the shade of the grounded airship. - from an action point of view, this doesn't work very well. If the "crab-like swarm" flowed past, then it should be bloody obvious to the others observing that Captain Raynor is being ignored by the crabs. If instead you have him tumble, and then disappear under the swarm of clicking crabs, then they'll expect a sticky fate once the crabs reach them. You can always have Captain Raynor reappear, all dusty and disheveled, having been trampled by the stampede but not bitten.

Note that this is the first the reader knows about their relative position " in the shade of the grounded airship". This is too late. The action has already started, and you're slowing it down with description. Princess Theia has to see that she's in the shade of the grounded airship when she first takes in her surroundings.

Also note that this would be much more exciting if the crabs make some kind of noise, like a clicking noise. Stephen King uses the clicking noise for his monsters on the beach in The Dark Tower novels. In Game of Thrones, the scariest thing about the Dothraki hordes is the noise like thunder as their horses approach accompanied by their screams. In the earlier episodes of the series, they're foreshadowed by being mentioned as Dothraki Screamers, which is apparently the standard name for their warrior class among Westerosi.

Theia started praying again as - started and began are stall words. You KNOW this, Azrael!!!

Theia knew nothing of fighting or combat - in an age when almost every Disney protagonist is a young female dressed in leather with a black belt in martial arts who is also a dab hand with a gun, you'll get crucified if you paint your female protagonist as completely unprepared. Be warned. Even the human and very pathetic Bella prepared to fight as she was about to be attacked by a group of men in a back alley in Twilight by going over in her mind the few things her dad, Chief of Police Swan, had told her about how to hit with the palm of her hand and knee to the groin etc. It's unbelievable that a princess in her position would know nothing of self-defense, especially when she's decided to set out on a perilous mission. Even Felicity Smoak gets the Arrow to teach her how to fight.

and with wicked eagerness just mere meters away now - "just" and "mere" mean the same thing. Watch out for meaningless words adding to the word count, especially in action scenes where really you should have short sentences to imply fast pace of action. Use LONG sentences for a description of surroundings during lulls in the action, but SHORT sentences lacking much description when action is occurring.

dripping down thick, muscled forearms Theia found herself staring a moment too long at. - good showing of Theia's feelings! Beware ending a sentence with a preposition. It looks kinda weird. End the sentence at "forearms" and then write a separate sentence, eg. Theia jerked her head away, realizing she'd stared a moment too long.

but simply watched bemused as a frantic Rijken began kicking - began? Really? Azrael, watch your stall words!

“Curses n’ crusty rust on ya foul robbers! - comma before "foul robbers". He's addressing them.

The sand bit painfully into her flesh, but she ignored it. - this is her viewpoint. If she ignored it, she wouldn't feel it. Just leave "but she ignored it" off, and the reader will get that she's trying to ignore it because she doesn't get up again.

Theia shut her eyes tightly, mumbling over and over the words to the Old God’s Song. - if this is a song title, use italics

Foaming white surf surged in from the sea to their left, chased by rippling waves of turquoise, as if curious about the activity on the beach. Beyond the dunes to their right, palm fronds at the treeline waved and swayed in the wind. If not for the carpet of creatures before them, it seemed quite the island paradise. - all this setting detail should have come in earlier before the action when she's looking around after waking. As it was, this jarred a little because it was completely different to the mountain and jungle I'd imagined for myself before I reached this description.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


The setting is awesome, but your timing for bringing it in is off. I mean, if you'd made it clear from Princess Theia waking that they're on a beach, it would make more sense to me that they're being attacked by crab like creatures. Please see my notes above for when I think it's inappropriate and when it worked for me.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?


People of four different classes (royal, aristocrat, professional/officer, and working class) for the good of a nation. That's gotta be a good theme. Also, it's steam punk. We need more steam punk, and I ain't gonna write it.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your opening.


My feeling is you have all the ingredients of a great opening, but in the wrong order and lacking details where it's most important. If this were a short story, it would be great. As the introduction to a novel, it lacks. You see, the opening of a novel should do two things: 1) introduce the main protagonist, and 2) introduce the setting and main conflict. You've achieved point two very well, but I know nothing much about Theia at all. You need a more substantial introduction for your protagonist, imho.

Thank you for sharing your opening chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .