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Review #4375654
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by A Guest Visitor
Review of Too Much  
Review by Angus
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Greetings, Tommy Mooney!
This isn't bad. I don't know if this from real experience or not since you're relatively young and a sophomore in high school, but love can indeed be cruel, especially when it's not returned in the way you want it to be.
You did a good job of showing the emotion in this piece, and the spelling and grammar were good, but I do have a suggestion. You used that line (in different forms) about 'that was just who he was' a few times more than you needed. It feels like you want to the reader to feel sorry for you, and maybe you do. But using it more than twice feels a little redundant.
That's just my opinion of course, for what it's worth.
Sorry to be so picky, but I did spot a couple of niggles:
'He should have known(,) what he was getting into.' (don't need that comma)
'A few hours ago(,) he thought he stood a chance.' (same here)
'What he really found hurt(ful) was that he thought they had a chance. (suggestion!)
Love that line beside your portfolio: 'The inside of your mind must be a terrible place'. I write horror, and I've been told that on more than one occasion!
Kee ponw ritin gon, Tommy, and welcome to WdC! If you like to write, then you're going to love it here!
PS-If writing is one of your dreams, I highly encourage you follow it! I only wish I'd been more serious at your age about my own writing! And one thing I tell all young writers: don't EVER throw anything away that you write, no matter how bad you think it is! Trust me on this!
PPS-You might want to get your biography set up so we can know a little something more about you (hobbies, favorite authors/books, location, etc.), but that's up to you, of course.
PPPS-Since you’re new here, perhaps you’d like to check out "Noticing Newbies"  to get a feel of Writing.Com and introduce yourself to the community!

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HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Goliath With A Santa Hat On



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