*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4379335
Review #4379335
Viewing a review of: {citem:}
Review of  
Review by Angus
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Konnichiwa, B. Winther.
Other than a few spelling and grammar errors, this isn't too bad, but you were cool enough to put that disclaimer about your writing experience on this, so I can't really fault you for that.
I like the idea of Kaito's girlfriend asking him to come to the house, but seeing as she was never heard from again, it leaves me wondering if it really was Marikos who asked him to go there. Methinks it was that mysterious old charred woman that grabbed his wrist!
Like I said, I like the scenario and plot of this. There's one thing you might want to watch for in the future, though: you used a lot more telling than showing with this.
In case you're not familiar with showing vs. telling, check these out: "A Writer's Handbook--Showing vs. Telling"  or ""Telling" Vs. "Showing" - Part 1" 
But like your disclaimer also said, your were just doing this for fun, so getting too technical on you about minor things like the spelling and grammar is irrelevant.
Kee ponw ritin gon, B. Winther! Thanks for sharing this, and...

GROUP
The WDC Angel Army  (ASR)
Dedicated to promoting positivity, encouragement, and support to the WDC community.
#1188309 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Goliath With A Santa Hat On

*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *NoteR* You have not yet responded to this review. Ignore
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4379335