Hi sybarrios

I've just finished reading your short story, "Invalid Item" , and I'd like to offer the following comments.

Please remember that any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first impressions: I love your opening paragraph! It's a wonderful hook into this story. And once you're in, you have to keep reading to the end. I love the suspense that you create throughout. It's so well done. I tore through this story in one read. I didn't even make notes as I went along, which I normally do. I just read. Brilliant!

Plot: The beauty of this plot is the uncertainty. Sure, the narrator is telling us her parents have lost the plot a little; in their conviction that their new home is possessed. Sure, all logical reason tells us there can't be a ghost in the house. But, in the middle of the night, when the narrator is feeling her way around the house in the pitch black (and finding doors open that should be locked), I held my breath. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand to attention. I really thought she might be touched by the ghost of Mrs. Huffinton.

If I'm honest, I felt the end was a little bit of an anti climax. I wasn't completely sure what had happened. Had the mother been out all night? I also thought the narrator's father capitulated pretty quickly. Considering how convinced he was the previous day of the genuine haunted-ness of the house, he agrees immediately to get the mother help. I guess I expected a little more of a bang.

What I really liked: This line had me laughing out loud: "Her elevator does not go to the top anymore, and Elvis has definitely left the building." That's so funny! In general, I loved the narrator. She is witty and tells the story beautifully. She is sure that her parents are imagining the whole haunting thing, but even so, the way she takes us through being alone in the shower and bedroom, then alone in the darkness of the sleeping house, builds wonderful suspense for the reader.

Suggestions: You start quite a few sentences with I (for example, near the end, ten sentences begin with I). One of the things I've been trying to work on in my own writing lately is using nouns or pronouns to start sentences. In doing this, you are telling us the story, rather than showing. So, rather than say, "I stop. I see the pain in his eyes . . . " you could say something like, "The pain in his eyes pulls me up. This situation can't continue, and he knows it."

Final thoughts: I really enjoyed reading this story, Sophie. It's a read that I couldn't put down from start to finish. I loved being on the edge of my seat and not knowing where the story would take me. It's a great story.

Keep writing!

Choconut



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .