INTRODUCTION

Hello Donkey Hoetay ,

Thanks so much for taking the time to request a formal review for your item "Invalid Item" 

WHAT I LIKED:

Twists

This is something I won't get into a ton of detail about (for those reading this in the public review thread) but you asked me to cover the twists and how effective they were.

I feel like the first twist regarding the woman was the most effective one, the others were easier to see coming.

That being said, each little twist and turn of the story furthered the plot and made for an interesting addition to the narrative, so in that way, all the twists were pretty great.

Description

This isn't something that you asked me to cover in my request, but I thought it would be worth noting that your use of descriptive language here was excellent. It was very easy to picture all the events and characters of your story in my head, but I didn't feel bogged down with the details either. It was well balanced, and you did an excellent job setting up all the scenes.




Dialogue

The only thing that I would suggest is taking a look at the dialogue in the opening scene.

There are some good and bad aspects there that I'd like to cover briefly.

I liked that both of the characters, Benoit and Dennard, have their own distinctive voice, which is great for characters and works well to the story's advantage. The other thing is that the car talk sounds pretty authentic from both sides, and sets the scene without needing to open with a ton of exposition.

The downsides are as follows:

The garage scene is definitely less gripping than the rest of the following story, so it might not be the best hook.

I felt like the conversation here didn't flow as well as it did between Benoit and the spinster.

That being said, the story just gets better and better from that point on, and any initial doubts I had going in were quickly forgotten as the story got going.

CONCLUSION:

I thought that this was a good story. It peels the layers of narrative back slowly, but without losing the audience along the way. It also shows that there's more to people (or characters) than you sometimes expect.

I'm glad I got to read this story, thanks again for the request.

Sincerely,


-Cat
















My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .