The Hook: The short bit about gadgets. It set a tone for me that you really didn't know your uncle all that well. What you knew was all you needed to know, though, as you find out in the next paragraph. You knew to stay out of his way.

The Dialogue: Aside from me wondering if "Mam" was your mother, and it seems it is a term used in that regard (It could be a UK/USA thing), the dialogue works fairly well. The only line that seems a bit off to me is the last. Usually young children, and I'm betting you were not teenager at the least, have a very cloudy idea of age, and wouldn't see it as 20, 30, or 40. As you say, you didn't have you Mam pegged. A more logical reply, in my view, would have been simply, "How old?!" or "How much older?" Overall I think it read well.

Character Development: It's too short to really develop a full idea of anyone, although the pain that lingered with you is clear, and seems to me the thrust of the story. That said, just a few descriptive additions could really beef up your story. (I know you may have been on a word count.) Was Frank big? Was he always quiet on approach? The fists, did they seem small or the size of canned hams? Fraternal or identical? I'm also curious how much older you sister is than you. In a small writing window, some of these smaller items can paint your picture better.

Scenery: The same is true for scenery. I know it was in a dwelling of some sort, but even small details mixed in can give more depth. I know I'd have loved a better background, particularly when I assumed this was not taking place here in the US.

Plot: It works. It's sadly not a very unique situation, but when you jumped to being a grown man in what I would gather is a hospice or hospital, you give readers some insight on the effect on you. We will, of course, wonder if you have, or believe you will, forgive your Mam for allowing it.

Mechanics: I see a couple of places where I'd have used commas, or used them differently. Your first sentence would read better if you used the comma after "but." After "his bike was gone" there should be a comma, and you could rework the "box on the ears" sentence and remove one. Your last line could use one as well, but really, it might have more power broken into two sentences. However, people differ on how they think commas should be used.

I'm so very guilty of this, but watch how many ellipsis you use, even in dialogue.

You might want to re-read and try and ask what the people who will read your work will see. Not easy, but the first thing that I saw was "The first thing I knew" to start off paragraph three. Clearly, the first things you knew were that he was home, your siblings had bailed, and you were trapped. Replace first with next, and the sequence works. Also, and this could be cultural, we use "back and forth" and "to and fro." I think a good spit shine would make this piece sparkle.

Final Thoughts: It was real and you could feel it. That's wonderful. I read it three times before deciding to review it, because such personal stories are hard in that regard. You know someone has poured some emotion into it. But, I'm glad I did, and I hope this helps even just a little.


Happy Writing!

Mastiff