The Hook: You got me with the title. I disowned my sister after my Mother died almost five years ago. I read your work twice, but it wasn't easy. I'll explain.

The Dialogue: It's not bad at all, the problem is reading it. When you work line by line, with a break after each person speaks, you can still interject information without breaking the cadence of the conversation.

Character Development: We get more of the main two people, the sister and mother, than the others, but it's still mostly internal. I get the brothers are bums, but aside from the husband being husky and Mama was 5'9", not much on appearances. A story this long, you could probably add some physical description.

Scenery: You should do the house like the cemetery. Honestly, you had some great visuals there, but once we moved on, it tailed off. The wind, the elevator, and even the preacher all had it. Work that in to any scene you can. :)

Plot: Sadly, one that others have been through, including myself. You did it justice, for certain. Not sure I'm ready to write my version. I will say it looked like your story had three distinct parts, the funeral, a flashback, and the will. You could section them for easier reading.

Mechanics: This is the big problem with the piece, and it could be you wrote it in haste to get it out, we've all been there. I won't go into a great deal of detail, if you want that, let me know and I can. You need to spell check, review your grammar, and break up your paragraphs.

Final Thoughts: It felt very personal to me, and that's what counts. I'd enjoy reading it all shined up sometime.


Happy Writing!

Mastiff