Hello

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing.

Title: It's apt, and the sub-title prepares you for what you've written. It still could have ended much worse for all of you!

Initial Reaction: I was wondering what the heck could possibly go so wrong in a little vacuum shop. I didn't catch the foreshadow of the train, and maybe that's just me, but if you want it to do that for you, it's something you could beef up.

Setting: I like it. You use good descriptions when you write, and it sets a scene. I could get a fair picture of it in my mind, and that's a big part of the battle to draw readers in.

Character Development: In the same regard, the customers are easy to picture, especially to anyone who has worked retail. I'd say the character I could not picture in my mind's eye is the narrator. I know he's worn out from the job, yet has a hero inside, but I have no clue what he looks like.

Plot: Interesting, and frankly, kind of out of the blue. I didn't see a train wreck coming, and I doubt most readers will. If it was your intent, then well done!

Ending: It figures the real hero didn't get much credit. I know how that feels! I am curious, though, as you said it would be continued. Was it?

Line-by-line and Suggestions: I think I would have made your opening line one conjunctive sentence, and perhaps use "the" before "shop." It could be just a language thing on the latter, though. You should tighten up paragraph #2 by removing the line break (I saw that a couple times), and the fourth sentence is a bit of a run-on. I saw a few spots where a longer sentence with several commas could be broken up. You also like to use italics for thoughts, and I tend to put them in quotes. But that's just a style issue.

I did read that you planned to leave it as it's written to look back at where you've come. You may have already developed well past these minor issues. I may go ahead and read something newer just for fun!

Happy Writing!

Mastiff