Hi there,
I'm Mastiff, and I'm going to give your work a review! I wouldn't fret too much about being new. I've only been here a month or so, and all I've met are nice people who are helping one another get better. I think my worst response was simply, "I really didn't get what you were trying to say!" But really, sometimes you write for yourself as much as anyone else.

The Hook: I think perhaps being you were new and willing to put your work out there that drew me in. But also non-fiction about oneself can be difficult to write, so I thought I'd check it out.

The Dialogue: I found more inner monologue with your piece, and perhaps a bit of verbal interaction would add to the story and make it pop, but it's powerful none the less.

Character Development: Again, I think this was about you, and maybe ever for you, so that's who your reader is going to see. If you ever do make this into a larger piece, you might consider filling out your brothers, parents, and even one or two of the worst antagonists.

Scenery: You might have missed a bit of opportunity to let us know more of the story. It's told through your eyes, but instead of a laser focus on the people around you at that time in your life, you could add a little background as to where this takes place, even with small additions. Ask yourself if the setting was rural, suburban, or in a city. Then, decide if there might be a place to add just that one word.

Plot: Sadly, this isn't an unfamiliar one, even to me. By high school, luckily, I had enough figured out to keep the jerks off me, but junior high was a different story.

Mechanics: This is the fun part, and I'll be gentle. But, if you want to improve, here are my thoughts:

- I see you're American, but even most Brits punctuate inside quotation marks. Sometimes it feels strange but you get used to it. (See your 1st sentence.)
- I'm a comma junkie, so I have to watch this myself. There's nothing wrong, and many things right, with breaking up a thought into two sentences. Unless you're making a list, two is okay, three is probably too many without a good reason, and four should almost always be divided.
- In general, use a comma or period before a quote, and capitalize as a new sentence.
- Try not to end sentences with a preposition.
- Avoid "a lot" outside of dialogue, there are much better words to use!

None of these are hard and fast, nor am I an English prof. They're just my observations.

Final Thoughts: Reading it, it doesn't sound like your mother had a bad intent. Plenty of them give some version of what you heard to get obedience without violence. Your dad, though, sounds like a bit of a jerk. If he was so tough, he'd have taught you how to fight instead of making it worse. Be glad you had brothers! Reading your bio, I'm going to guess the author was Bach, but someday you might want to include it. Perhaps it hould be on every reading list!


Happy Writing!

Mastiff