Hello Charles Smith,

Welcome to writing.com!

I saw your story in the "Read a Newbie" section.

You came up with some creative names and communicated clearly. I think I understood everything you tried to say.

I think you chose correctly in putting it in the fantasy genre. You kept my attention throughout the story. I was hoping for a happier ending but that's just my personal preference. Perhaps you might add "dark" as a second genre instead of having "other" twice? Then you might draw readers who appreciate that side of things more.

In the spirit of helpfulness, I do have a few suggestions for improvement. If you'd like constructive criticism, read on. If not, just stop here and know that I enjoyed your story.

First, I'd go through and work on eliminating as much passive language as possible and make it more active. Example: In this sentence: "In this kingdom there was an elaborate palace made of stained glass." You could say "An elaborate palace made of stained glass dominated the capitol of this kingdom."

Then I'd go through again and add commas wherever you want the reader to pause in their reading. For example, in the first sentence: "Long ago in a distant land to the north there stood an exquisite and harmonious kingdom." I'd probably add a comma after long ago. When storytellers read their stories like this there tends to be a pause at that point.

I hope that was helpful.

Thank you for sharing your story! Write on!

May love, joy and peace be yours in abundance!
PWheeler

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .