Happy Birthday!

It's Mastiff the new guy, wishing you another great trip around the sun. Sadly, my scribble isn't done, and I have things to say about your non-fiction piece. However. I figure, there's no chance I can review something like that, so I'll just find a little nugget somewhere else. Yeah, that worked. I've seen less ribbons at county fairs. In fact, I think I had to go about 18 folders deep to find something that could have been missed. But did I find a gem? (You know I have to review you like anyone! But just maybe I'll get the first birthday review!)

The Hook: Sure, involve the government! Between that and the few fine lines of dialogue, I wanted to know what was what! I'm the good kind of civil servant.

The Dialogue: If it were me, and just a personal thing, I'd have condensed the first 15 lines. It could make them read faster and dig harder into the story. In all the dialogue works, we all seem to use ellipsis in our own way, especially when a character chats. There are also some words or phrases that just don't seem to work with the age, and I put that down below. Sometimes I try out mine using the "would ___ say it test." Pick out a person that could fit into the role and read it coming from them.

Character Development: We get to know Brenda well enough, and really, everyone else in the piece is more of a drone. At least, until the end when we get to see evil and a toady to it all.

Scenery: You gave us some, because I could picture the basement, but your focus seemed elsewhere. Having read some of your other material, I know you could have if you wanted to fit it in, but I think you might have been tight on a word count.

Plot: Nothing real new in the recent landscape of apocalypse books, movies and television. But, you tell it well, and that makes it work for me, because I like the genre in general. I'd imagine the other people who do would also find it entertaining.

Mechanics:

- Para 18 Ln 1: I'd have have the question mark after guys, then "Like, the Secret Service?"
- Para 24 Ln 4: Does your normal 17 year old say "intact" or just "there"

- Overall : Throughout, you follow "Miss" with a period. Unless I'm uninformed, in that salutation it isn't needed. Also, if you do an edit you might add a comma or two. You can borrow some of mine, I'm a comma hog.

Final Thoughts: I would have really liked to see what 2000 words might have produced!

Happy Writing!

Mastiff