Hello

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing.

Title: Okay, not a usual subject, but I'll give something like that a try. Add in a cousin and kids in the subtitle, and it draws you in more.

Initial Reaction: I'm going to be perfectly honest, because it's clear you had a story to tell, but it was tough to read. I'll go over some of that in more detail, but looking at your port, you have only one item. I'm thinking you may have pounded this out to come back and edit more later.

Setting: It's a bit jumbled and hops around. Using the times and dates is a good vehicle from moving from scene to scene, but you could use more descriptions of the rooms. I have to assume quite a bit, but a fix is certainly possible in this area.

Character Development: I lost track of who was whom just a bit, and had to go back and review. If you give a little bit of background and image when you introduce a new person, the reader can mentally keep them straight easier than with just a name. Again, during a re-write, this is something I always try to do.

Plot: So, this is what I got from the story. You have a guy who loves his wife, and he's then taken into custody for a bomb he didn't set. So, the police rape and kill his wife, and with them both gone, the little girl dies, too. Finally, the man gets his revenge by eating those responsible for his family, and on the last man with drugs to make him commit suicide. To me, and I'm no professor, I would make much cleaner jumps between plot scenes to make it work like I believe you want.

Ending: It was strange, but I like strange. I honestly would like to see what you can do with this if you decide to decide to carve, sand and polish it to a shine. It has the potential to be one weird tale.

Suggestions: Again, I'm not going to mince any words, because that doesn't help. Just remember this is all done to help all of us write better. So... I suggest you start with a good spelling and punctuation program. It will get you a good way there, even letting you know "a lot" is two words. But, it won't note that the wife was Rosa and then rose. It also isn't going to help with dialogue, and with a short in-depth story, it needs to flow better than it does at this point. Use paragraph breaks to make everything easier to read, italics instead of capitals to show raised voices, and remember to do this for fun!


Happy Writing, and if you want to ask any questions, just send a message!

Mastiff