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 Review #4400633 |
 | A Jealous Encounter  [18+] Jealousy is a flaw that everyone has. A flaw that can get you into big trouble.  |
| (4.0)| Mastiff dropped by for a visit. I'm just another writer trying to get better, and reviews help me. These are just my opinions, and I'm sure not perfect!   First impression: Being a very non-jealous person, but having seen what it's done to others, I found the title and subtitle intriguing. I also liked your descriptions of the scenes, and really would like to see you put that same effort into the main people in your work. Things That Might Make It Better: I'd listen to your people interacting and see if there are overused words or possible contraction opportunities. Casual talk is generally less verbose than the written word. I enjoyed what they were saying, but they spoke in just a bit of a stilted manner. Mechanics: Para. 1 Ln. 2&3 - Any reason why you used a proper name back to back? Para. 7 Ln. 1 - You use "that" door, and I'm not sure why you did it. Looks like you also have "that" a few other times throughout, when "the" might work . Also, you have "bar" twice in the sentence. Para. 24 Ln. 2 - "Christopher and I" flows better, in my opinion. Sects. 6 to 9 - You missed some quotation marks, not sure if there's a reason or not. Overall: I'd review the dialogue and read it to yourself, if it flows in your head, it generally will for the reader, too. Check for any missing commas if you do an edit, there might be a spot or two where you could use one. Things I Like:The story in general is good, and I enjoyed it. I expected Thomas to have something bad happen to him, though! Did he perhaps get caught up in the crime? Final Comments: It needs a good edit and some changes that are mostly about flow. Your style isn't bad, aside from perhaps overusing proper names instead of occasional pronouns. Best of luck with all your writing, and email if you have any questions!   
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You responded to this review 03/23/2018 @ 10:12pm EDT