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Review #4436256
Viewing a review of:
 
Lullaby  [E]
My lullaby for my baby boy, it came naturally looking in his sweet eyes
by Dominique
Review of Lullaby  
Review by Azrael Tseng
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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Hi Dominique , I'm really glad I found this. Here's what I *Heart* about "Lullaby"  -

1) I really want to know what kind of melody this lullaby is set to! Reading it, the rhythm can alternately sound slow and soothing or high-tempo, which just makes me even more curious. I used to sing to my son every night too, while carrying him in my arms walking around the neighbourhood in the deep of the night. That was the only way he could fall asleep. Now he doesn't want me to sing anymore; he insists on doing all the singing himself!
*CheckB*

2) While full rhymes were used in most of the stanzas, a couple of them used half/near-rhymes. They worked fine though. However stanza two doesn't rhyme at all.

Momma loves you, momma loves you
don't you know by now?
Momma loves you, momma loves you
don't you feel it too?

I can see how you substituted the use of a repetition device (an anaphora here) instead of end rhymes, but if you could manage it I think keeping a consistent rhyme scheme would make this song better.
*CheckB*

3) Just a suggestion below: (your words are in pink, mine are in blue)
do not put a fight
To keep the rhythm and syllable count while making the meaning clearer, how about phrasing it as
don't put up a fight
*CheckB*


Thanks for a great read!

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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/04/2018 @ 9:38am EDT
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