INTRODUCTION

Hello jdennis ,

Thank you so much for submitting a formal review request for your item "Invalid Item" . This is without a doubt one of the most unique items I've been asked to review and I have to say, I had a really good time with it.

So, with that being said, let's jump right in.

WHAT I LIKED:

Premise & Approach

Right off the bat, I want to say that the concept is very interesting. A lot of people work with the "technology walking among us" ideas, but the way that you've presented the topic makes it feel like your own.

Part of that is through the world-building, which is excellent. Without information dumping (at least without doing it too much) you've established a strong sense of environment, allowing the audience to get glimpses into the setting you've created.

Part of it is also the style. The dialogue (including the narration, which is written in your character's voice) gives the piece a dated feel that you don't often see paired with science fiction. The uniqueness really gives the story an edge, and I felt immediately like I was reading something different.


Chapter

There are some things that I like to have in an opening chapter, and you got everything from my checklist; A good sense of the protagonist, a feel for the setting, ideas about the plot, and a sense of tension toward the end that makes me want to read the next chapter.

I didn't feel like there was anything missing from the experience of an opening chapter.





I do have an in general sort of suggestion for you regarding the style.

It's something I mentioned that I liked a lot, because I like to be thrown into the deep end when it comes to speculative fiction, but it can come across as a little alienating. I wouldn't change anything at this stage, but it's just something to be aware of going forward, and when collecting feedback from people

First Section

The only real suggestion I have for you is that you try to get a little more information about your protagonist in earlier.

By the time the chapter ended I felt like I had a better feel for him, but that wasn't the case before the first section break, and it might not hurt to establish him right off the bat. That might get the reader invested by the end of page one, as opposed to the end of chapter one.

It's something that can be really tricky when working on longer pieces from the first person perspective - but since it is in the past tense I feel like you might have a little wiggle room. It's something to experiment with at least, maybe in your next draft.

CONCLUSION:

All in all I really enjoyed it.

I think you've got a good story here and it's clear that you've put a lot of thought into the world. The piece feels very polished for an early draft and I see a ton of potential for the book.

I wish you all the best in working on it, and I hope that the review has helped you some.

Sincerely,


-Cat
















My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .