INTRODUCTION

Hello Dragonbane ,

Thank you so much for taking the time to make a formal review request for your item "The Powers Of Haddenspor - Chapters 1-2" . As always it seems like you've got a lot of interesting ideas started for the story.

So, let's get right to it.

WHAT I LIKED:

Style/Description


You have a very vivid description style that makes it easy for the reader to visualize what's going on in their head as their reading. I think this was especially strong in regards to the setting in this piece:

He walked along a dirty narrow street strewn with litter and reeking of an obnoxious odour that made him wrinkle his nose in disgust. Looking up, he could see in the distance a tower that dwarfed every other building in the city. Its steepled pinnacle seemed to touch the sky.

This was some beautiful scenery description that I thoroughly enjoyed.



Opening

I felt like the sentiments described in the opening paragraphs were a little contradictory. There was a lot of explanation about how he's gotten more confident and sure of himself, which is immediately followed up by a bunch of doubt and uncertainty. Characters, like people, are often going to self-contradict like that, but sometimes it's better to open your story on a more consistent note as the readers get a grasp for the new environment - or at least condense it a little by immediately saying Tafon's stance had gotten more confident, but his mind is still plagued with uneasiness, and launch into the exposition.

Extend the Chapter

The content that you have here is really good, but as an opening chapter I feel like it left something to be desired. It's pretty short considering the amount of detail that you've included. I would have liked to have gotten a better concept of who Tafon is through his interactions with others, or at least through more specific explanation of his thoughts. I also would have liked to see a little more action in the chapter, perhaps something that gives me a better expectation of what might be on the horizon.

The writing was engaging, it pulled me in, but I think I needed a little more context for it to really have a hook that made me need to read the next chapter.

CONCLUSION:

As always, the writing is good. I feel like the structure needs a little work here, but the style itself really pulled me in and I love your attention to detail. I wish you the best of luck with the story, and I hope that I get to see a finished draft soon.

-Cat

P.S. You should consider doing NaNoWriMo this year. One month, one completed rough draft at the end. Just saying
















My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .