INTRODUCTION

Hello Willow0073 ,

I saw your item "She had learned"  in the review request thread and just thought that I would drop in with my thoughts. The description caught my eye and I read a lot of stories like this, so I thought I might be able to offer just a little bit of insight into the piece.

So, let's get right to it, I suppose.

WHAT I LIKED:

Raw

The impression that I got from the review comment and the piece (and please, correct me if I'm wrong) is that this is just a taste of a story that you want to work on - and I'd assume a fairly early draft of it?

One thing that really comes through more than the execution of the story itself is the emotion behind it. This is a very sensitive topic and you've gone about it in a way that feels very honest and emotionally very raw. There's something about that kind of content that just resonates on a primal level and it really struck me here.

I think if you keep working with this piece (or the larger story surrounding it) that's something you'll want to make sure you don't lose, because it's very powerful.



Format


The one thing I would suggest is that you play a little with the format. I was a little unclear (both from the description and the item itself) what this is intended as. Right now it's formatted very much like poetry, but with more of a flashfiction tone/voice. Given the content, I think it would make either a great narrative story or a poem, but it would be nice to be able to tell more distinctively how it's supposed to be read.

It's hard to make suggestions on which direction to take it without knowing your intention for the piece as the writer, so the one thing I will say is that it wouldn't hurt to play around with it a little. Try to make longer sentences/paragraphs if it's a short story, maybe expanding the phrasing to weed out some of the repetition. Or, alternatively if you're going for something more poetic, maybe try to do the opposite of that, working your words into a more established pattern just to give the piece a little more rhythm.

One thing I think it might be interesting to see (in either case, possibly) would be perspective shifts through the inclusion of internal dialogue marked by italics.

Example:

To give him the answer he wanted to hear.
Answer immediately, sufficiently audible for his ears, not too loud, not too soft.

Putting that second line in italics puts us in the mind of the girl, in the moment, and I think it might be a good way to encourage a deeper emotional bond between her and the reader, since you've already established such a strong foundation for that.

CONCLUSION:

I thought this was a very powerful, poignant piece into a difficult subject matter. I hope that as you continue to work with the concept you're able to achieve awareness with the piece and keep that strong emotional style. I also hope the review has helped you achieve that in some small way, and I'd be happy to answer any questions if you have them.

Sincerely,

-Cat
















My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .