INTRODUCTION

Hello Derrol Edwards- Fantasy Writer ,

I saw your item "Invalid Item"  in the review request thread and thought that I would drop in to leave you with my notes/thoughts on the chapter - especially since I have a lot of experience doing reviews of first chapters.

So, let's get right into it.

WHAT I LIKED:

Norse Inspiration

One thing that I don't see nearly enough of in the mainstream is stories that are inspired by Norse Mythology. Some of my favorite writers have had Nordic inspiration, and it's something that I do genuinely like coming across. It's a string of mythology that I think is really under-appreciated, and I hope you continue working on this project just on that basis, before even getting into any of the deeper stuff.

Moral Dilemma

I also like the darker themes that are presented in this chapter by the situation that your protagonist finds himself in - and the fact that he doesn't deal with the moral quandary in what could be considered to be the best light shows right off the bat that this is going to be a different kind of story than what a lot of writers would tell. It's more mature and I think if it's done well, it would be very effective.



Overall the style is pretty consistent and works for the piece, but there was one section that needed some work.

Opening Paragraph



The first line is good, it sets the scene, gives the reader a sense of that Norse feeling. The second line, randomly, is written from a first person perspective. The fourth line cuts back to third person present tense perspective, and then the fifth line is still third person, but past tense. It's a very confused opening paragraph.

There were a lot of different ways you could go there, but my personal suggestion (since it seems to be how you wrote most of the piece) would be to just stick with the past tense third person, and adjust the opening paragraph accordingly.

CONCLUSION:

While I think the chapter was a little short (it maybe could also have benefited from a bit more exposition/character insight) it was, for the most part, pretty good. It got me interested in the setting and the premise and I'd be interested to see more (which was cleverly provided at the bottom of the piece.) I think there's a lot of potential here and I wish you the best of luck in working on it.

Sincerely,


-Cat
















My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .