INTRODUCTION

Hello Patrick McDonagh ,

I saw your item "Invalid Item"  in the review request thread and thought that I'd drop in to leave my thoughts on how you tackled a deep, philosophical point about legacies.

So, let's dive right in.

WHAT I LIKED:

Topic

I like that you addressed this topic. It's something that's deep and has the potential to really effect people's lives for the better. You make a compelling case for compassion, empathy and integrity that I can really appreciate. If more people thought like this the world would probably be a better place, and you painted a very vivid picture, letting the examples really illustrate your point.





Focus

Although each of the points you made was valid in its own rite, I think the piece might have been stronger as a whole if the examples were all connected and perhaps a bit more singularly focused. Right now the examples, while each good, seem a little random, like you're pulling them from nowhere. The wife and family thing is good, the long quote was good, but they were tied together with a final line conclusion about being worth an academy award, and that was more distracting for me than it was point-securing or poignant.

I guess the wide range of examples could show the versatility of your point, but for a piece this short I think choosing a tone and sticking to it might be a better alternative.

Punctuation

This is also a personal preference, but I would advise against the exclamation points. Your comments are good, insightful, and the words have impact on their own, it might be better to let them speak for themselves and trust the audience to know where the emphasis should be, rather than forcing excitement through punctuation.

CONCLUSION:

Overall I thought it was a good piece with a lot of passion and some really wonderful ideas. I hope that my review offered some insight into how it's being read and received, because I would genuinely like your message to reach as many people as possible.

Thank you for sharing this with the site and I wish you all the best in working on it.

Sincerely

-Cat
















My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .