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Review #4447330
Viewing a review of:
 
Spirit of the Lake  [13+]
A once beautiful spirit becomes a hag as her lake is polluted. Annin goes to save her.
by Kotaro
Review by Cubby
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
         *Pumpkin2* Greetings, Kotaro ! I found your item, "Spirit of the Lake" , in Random Reviews and decided to review it. *Smile*

         First of all, my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. *Smile* Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest.

My First Impression
         I love stories such as this, and yours is no acception. What a great tale you have told! And please, don't let my suggestions below upset you. Each one of them are easy fixes and have nothing to do with your talent of writing.

Suggestions

         In Paragraph 10, you have a typo: An calmer voice answered, --> A calmer voice answered,

         In Paragraph 18, the following sentences feel a bit choppy: Then, he straightened his posture, and tapping the road, proceeded west with his bowlegged gait. He felt the rising sun on his back. One humble suggestion to consider is: Then he straightened his posture, and tapping the road with the rising sun on his back, he proceeded west with his bowlegged gait.

          In Paragraph 22, The fisherman peered into the unseeing eyes with curiosity, they appeared murky as if mixed with ashes. you might consider a semi-colon instead of a comma between these two closely related independent clauses: The fisherman peered into the unseeing eyes with curiosity; they appeared murky as if mixed with ashes.

         In Paragraph 45, Taking his feet off his sandals, you might consider a stronger verb that taking. One suggestion to consider, is: Slipping his feet from his sandals (I also replaced off with from.)

         In Paragraph 51, Men got to the side of the boat and pushed. You might want to consider a strong verb to replace got. One humble suggestion is Men approached the side of the boat and pushed.

         In Paragraph 54, As Gonta got into the boat,, again, a stronger verb than got might be considered... As Gonta climbed into the boat,

         In Paragraph 58, The hags eyes blazed. You need an apostrophe to show possession: The hag's eyes blazed.

Thoughts

         This story holds a true message about pollution and cleaning up our planet, and you've weaved it into the tale of a blind man and a hag from the lake, who once was beautiful. Very clever! You are a great storyteller! If you could clean up the few areas needing fixing, I would rate this story a five star instead of four. *Smile*

         *Starb* My favorite phrase...
                             the clammy clutch of the mist;

         Oh, I love that... clammy clutch. Great sensory feel!

*Thumbsup* Nicely written! I hope my suggestions were helpful. *Smile*

Have a great day and...
*Pumpkin2*  K e e p on W r i t i n g ! *Pumpkin2*
~Cubby ")
Ghost House Simply Positive signature.


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