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Review #4449995
Viewing a review of:
 Finishing Tasks: Now, Forever Done  [E]
The lay-off I feared - a rhyming poem.
by Tim Chiu
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)

Hello, Tim. I'm reviewing your poetry on behalf of the WDC Angel Army. I've read and reviewed you on several occasions. Your poetry like "Finishing Tasks" is easily consumed and understood by this reader. Your writing style is direct and to the point. But, I'm wondering, should it be?

Poets are painters. We like to tease a bit with our words, the subject matter to provoke a reader. As an artist, if you describe indirectly without telling, we can get a better appreciation of story, theme, setting, characters, etc. Poets avoid the ordinary, tired language in this way. I see you as a storyteller. You have unique points of view. To draw your audience, you rely on insight from wisdom. This subject, while biographical, does not befit the charm you could supply.

The form is fine and it rhymes; the meter is clunky, needs a smoother flow. What I liked is that you do intone traditional poetry with the old flair like....

"The time-off’s great, no problem there,
No daily grind, or Monday’s care. "

Here, it tries repeat, but the ending 'it' throws off this reader, maybe because you linked the two comments with a comma. The two statements are separate...

"Just going for the wisest fit, <<--(suggest a period)
Avoiding long commutes, so ‘it’. " <<--- ah, I see 'that's' was added before 'it' since I started my review a few days ago. That changes it.

And 'it' is the end? Seems like just the beginning. We could chuckle but I don't think that is the intent. It looks like a poet stuck. I surmise there is more to this subject before it is done.

A very personal poem that relates well biographically about a job change and it's affect on the narrator. Do you think the traditional format restricts the process of indirectly describing? Maybe, try some other poetic forms, stretch your writer's wings a bit. Find a fresher voice? Might be fun.

Write On,

Brian

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