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Review #4451708
Viewing a review of:
 Just Desserts  [E]
Just what WOULD happen if we let kids eat what THEY wanted to eat?
by RadioShea
Review of Just Desserts  
Review by Cubby
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
         *Pumpkin2* Greetings, RadioShea ! I discovered your item, "Just Desserts" , and decided to review it. *Smile* I love children's stories and poetry, as I write them myself, so this is what attracted me to your piece. *Wink*

         First of all, my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. *Smile* Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest.

My First Impression
         I was so excited to read this! What a great idea! Have you thought about sending this in somewhere for possible publication? With just a few tweeks here and there, I think it would make a fun picture book for kids and parents alike. *Bigsmile*

Punctuation/Grammar/Typos
         
Stanza 2: Kiss mom *Right* Kiss Mom = In this instance, Mom is being addressed, therefore the M is capitalized.

Stanza 7: Seems a bit wordy... Perhaps you could cut a few syllables out to stay with the great rhythm pattern you have previous to this stanza. *Smile*

Stanza 11: which mom had just baked. *Right* which Mom had just baked.

Stanza 12: Seems a bit wordy... Again, perhaps cut a few syllables to stick with the meter. *Smile*

Stanza 18: ingredients to elephantine kids they did make. I stumbled a bit here.

Stanza 22: with a twenty-days pace You might consider dropping the s with a twenty-day pace

Stanza 25: This stanza is a bit wordy. *Wink*

Suggestions/Thoughts

         This fun piece reminds me of Dr. Seuss poetry, which is so enjoyable to read and always has sort of a moral to it, as your poem does. I really like it. I'm thinking, however, if you are serious about sending this in for publication, you'll want to read it aloud a few times and catch the areas (like the ones I gave you above) and smooth them out. Another suggestion is to have someone else read you this piece. If it did happen to become a book, others will be reading it, so I think that would be a big plus for you, to listen to your poem from another's voice.

         I love the visuals and they would make great pictures/drawings, so that was not an issue at all. You might also want to make your own dummy-book, which I have done in the past, to give you an idea of how it might be laid out. 32 pages is the average for picture books, though some have more and a few have less. But those pages also include the copyright page, title page, and a blank page on the first and last page. I imagine you've already looked into all this, but if not, you might consider it. You definitely have a talent for story telling! *Smile* Now it's time to tighten things up and polish it off. *Bigsmile* (my least favorite part *Laugh*)

         *Starb* My favorite lines... (Two of many! It was hard to pick!)

                             What would you do if your parents said,
                             “Don’t eat those peas, have these brownies instead,”
         A great way to open up your story. I can already see children's eyes pop open in delight. *Laugh*

*Thumbsup* An enjoyable piece! I hope my suggestions were helpful. *Smile*

Have a great day and...
*Pumpkin2*  K e e p on W r i t i n g ! *Pumpkin2*
~Cubby ")
Simply chipmunks SP group signature.


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