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Review #4451936
Viewing a review of:
 Three-halves and a bunny  [E]
A day in the life of a young artist.
by Greg Stevens
Review by Cubby
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
         *Pumpkin2* Greetings, Greg Stevens ! I found your item, "Three-halves and a bunny" , in Auto Reviews and decided to review it. *Smile* I, too, write children's stories and poetry, so this piequed my interest.

         First of all, my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. *Smile* Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest.

My First Impression
         I totally submerged myself in this. At first it took me a moment to get use to the second person point of view, but once I adjusted, it was fine. Second person point of view is generally used in instructional writing. I found it quite fascinating that you pulled this off in a children's story, so I commend you on that! *Bigsmile*

Suggestions

         In your 8th paragraph: you ball yours up into a small ball, This is repetitious, so you might consider something similar to you crumple yours up into a small ball,

         In your 12th paragraph: You draw the sky bright blue, the sun bright yellow and the path bright red. The bunny you draw as an outline, You might consider replacing the first draw with color. For me personally, this works better because 1) It avoids repetition of the word draw and 2) I can visualize coloring the sky blue more than drawing the sky blue. *Wink* You color the sky bright blue, the sun bright yellow and the path bright red. The bunny you draw as an outline,

*Note* Be wary of overuse of the word that. And if you can omit it, do. Here is one example: you hop on the log stumps that are lined up in a row. Consider you hop on the log stumps lined up in a row.

Thoughts

I enjoyed this very much. You've captured the character percisely how a child that age would think and act. I loved his humanness--anxiety, embarassment, daydreaming, talking out loud without realizing it, and so on. This story could very well be based on a true episode. Perhaps something from your own experience?

         *Starb* My favorite lines...
                             "Boooo!" you say out loud, voicing the part of the ghost.
Suddenly you realize the whole room is looking at you. The teacher looks angry.
~Oh my goshness, lol, I chuckled out loud after reading this part. *Rolling*

*Notep* Your character was very real to me, reminding me of times when I had felt similar feelings, along with daydreaming in school and Your heartbeat pounds in your ears. Excellent. Thank you for sharing!

*Thumbsup* Nicely written! I hope my suggestions were helpful. *Smile*

Have a great day and...
*Pumpkin2*  K e e p on W r i t i n g ! *Pumpkin2*
~Cubby ")
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