%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4451956 |
 | The Birthday Wish  [E] It's Billy's birthday and he has a wish. Will Billy's wish come true?  |
| (4.0)  Greetings, Roderick Lewis ! I found your item, "The Birthday Wish" , in Auto Reviews and decided to review it. I love writing for children, so your story piqued my interest.  First of all, my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest.My First Impression First of all, I absolutely adored the ending! As for the rest of it, I felt you walked the reader through a normal day for a child who can't wait to make his birthday wish.  And though we don't find out till the very end, what it is, we get to enjoy everything in between while being patient. Punctuation/Grammar/Typos In Paragraph 1: raced to his parent's bedroom. Since you are talking about a set of parents (mother and father), you'll want to change the location of the apostrophe. If you were referring to only a single parent, then your way would have been correct.  raced to his parents' bedroom.In Paragraph 4: That's very good son This needs a comma as the father is addressing his son so there is a slight pause. That's very good, son In Paragraph 8: I cannot say this is incorrect, as my in-laws do the very same thing... You can make your wish after you blow out the candles on your birthday cake. My own family always made a wish before blowing out the candles, so I had always assumed everyone did the same thing. And this sentence here proves me wrong.  In Paragraph 10: It must be fun to be a bird he thought. You'll want to add a comma for pause before the he thought tag. It must be fun to be a bird, he thought. In Paragraph 27: Mike's gift was a game to play and Jimmy's a watergun. You'll need to stick a comma after Jimmy's or else it reads like Jimmy is a watergun. Mike's gift was a game to play and Jimmy's, a watergun. In Paragraph 31: in the right places son."  in the right places, son."In Paragraph 32: all shapes and sizes son all shapes and sizes, sonSuggestions My only suggestion would be (and it's not necessary) to perhaps incorporate Billy telling time--or trying to--towards the end of the story. You touched on it at the beginning of the story, so I thought it might be nice to have him try again so it ties in to the ending somehow. I'm sure it wouldn't matter to the reader if he got it right or not. Just a thoughtful suggestion for you to consider. Thoughts All kids like birthdays and parties. But how cool is it, that Billy asked for the gift he really wanted most. And when he didn't get it, his dad thought quickly and came up with what he did. (I'm trying not to disclose this, as it's a public review and I don't want to be a spoiler. )Your dialogue was very good and I liked that you used plenty of it to keep the story rolling. Kids like dialogue, too, so good job!  My favorite lines...Mommy had been teaching him to tell time. "It's twelve six," he said proudly. Ya gotta just love kids! They say the cutest things! Love this. Nicely written! I hope my suggestions were helpful. Have a great day and... K e e p on W r i t i n g ! ~Cubby ")    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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