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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4452463
Review #4452463
Viewing a review of:
 
Green  [E]
It's hard being green.
by Rhychus
Review of Green  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
         *Pumpkin2* Greetings, Rhychus ! I found your item, "Green" , in Random Reviews and decided to review it. *Smile*

         First of all, my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. *Smile* Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest.

My First Impression
         The first thing that came to mind after I finished reading this story was... People aren't always who they appear to be. And what an awful thing for Nancy to do to you (assuming the narrator of this piece is you.) It's weird what we are attracted to and later see differently, like Nancy's crazy laugh. Wow, that was an eye-opener. Good thing you learned this at 12 years old and not after a marriage. *Shock2*

Punctuation/Grammar/Typos
         I found only a couple places for you to consider changing. Other than that, I found no other distractions.

Paragraph 3: "Hey, Patrick hold up! Add a comma *Right*"Hey, Patrick, hold up!
Paragraph 8: What're you doing?" trying to follow her lead. You might consider adding a dialogue tag *Right* What're you doing?" he said, trying to follow her lead. or you could consider *Right* What're you doing?" He tried to follow her lead.

Suggestions/Thoughts
         I have nothing else to add for improvement. You're an excellent writer and I'd like to compliment you on your dialogue. It doesn't get much better than this. You capture the 12 year-olds' spoken words perfectly. Your story flowed very well and kept my interest throughout. I loved the first sentence in your last paragraph (zombie-like silence.) And I liked your opening paragraph, so relaxed and everything is hunky-dorey. *RollEyes* Boy, that changed, lol.

         *Starb* My favorite line...
                             She ran in that clumsy, girlish way, with her arms tucked in and her shoulders swinging, but all I saw was the way she smiled, her hair flowing in the wind.
         Great visual! I have to chuckle though, now that I know how this ends. *Bigsmile*

*Thumbsup* Nicely written! I hope my suggestions were helpful. *Smile*

Have a great day and...
*Pumpkin2*  K e e p on W r i t i n g ! *Pumpkin2*
~Cubby ")
Simply chipmunks SP group signature.


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