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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4453375
Review #4453375
Viewing a review of:
 Hello Sun  [E]
Tribute to the Sun
by Cowgirl Cat
Review of Hello Sun  
Review by Cubby
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
         *Stockingr* Greetings, Cowgirl Cat ! I found your item, "Hello Sun" , in Auto-rewards and decided to review it. *Smile*

         First of all, my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. *Smile* Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest.

My First Impression
         *Bulbb* Very well written! I could picture a classroom filled with children standing with their arms up in the air, singing this fun song about the sun. *Smile* Have you thought about submitting this to an educational publisher? If not, do think about it! *Wink*

Punctuation/Grammar/Typos
         *Bulbv* You've used little punctuation and might consider adding it, since it is for children's eyes. Otherwise, it wouldn't matter as long as you are consistent. Everything else looks right on. *Bigsmile*

Other Suggestions
         *Bulbr* There is one thing I noticed... In Stanza 5, Line 3:

Until the time it (condensates)
I'm not sure why condensates is set within parentheses. Perhaps you have a reason, for instance you are emphazing it? Then you could italicize it instead. *Wink* Otherwise, I would opt for...
Until the time it condensates

Thoughts/Emotions
         *Bulbo* I had to smile as I read this. I've written more children's pieces than anything else and it's been a long time since I've read something like this, especially school/nature-science related. I enjoyed this very much!

         *Starb* My favorite lines...
                             The sun is Earth’s closest star!
                             No matter where on Earth you are…..
Don't ask me why, but I just feel like chanting these two lines, over and over. *Laugh* I will always be a kid at heart. *Heart*


*Holly1* Nicely written! I hope my suggestions were helpful. *Holly2*

*Candycanep* Have a great day and *Candycanep*
K e e p on W r i t i n g !
~Cubby ")
Animated Simply Positive Christams Tree Signature.


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