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 Review #4455761 |
 | Chapter 02, Timekeepers  [18+] Haakon escapes to Iowa  |
 This review is being given as part of the Simply Positive Reviews & Rising Stars groups. Please note that all opinions rendered below are in the spirit of giving, in an effort to help, you, the writer, improve the piece. You are under no obligation to use any of my suggestions and I won't think less of you if you don't use them. Regardless, thank you for the opportunity to review your work. General Impressions Hopefully, by now you're familiar with my reviewing style so I'll jump right into it. It goes without saying that the story is compelling and I'm looking forward to reading more. This is an interesting chapter that seamlessly continues from the last and increases the action. To save space I've only included sections in chronological order where I point out details for your review and consideration. My comments are in bold. When a holographic map of Scarborough jiggled into existence above the device, he breathed a sigh of relief. There have been multiple uses of the word jiggled and by this point, it has become rather noticeable. I would try to use a different word. He snatched up Gunnar's axe and scuttled into the mist. I'm not sure the word scuttled is doing you any favors here. It does create a great image, but I don't have an alternative to suggest either. It brought Golem from Lord of the Rings to mind for some reason. And considering what comes after is him trotting, I think the word choice is just off. Haakon grunted and knelt next to the waif. "Baby, it's going to be all right. You need to come with me." It's not exactly clear what his motivation is here. He saved the woman but didn't stop but for the child he did. Is it simply because she's a child? Does he suspect she's Charlotte? Why does she deserve his protection in this way? I think some internal reflection, even briefly would sort that out quickly. Surely she's not the only child that's a victim of the circumstances. While it becomes clear in a few paragraphs that she's Charlotte, a hint would be good here. Ralf stood over her and turned defiant eyes on Haakon. I don't understand, why is he suddenly defiant? What does he have to be defiant about against an old friend? Haakon strode forward and handed the waif off to the woman, who opened her arms in a caress. "A commission on the King's behalf, you say? They must have pleased him mightily to merit royal attention." This part confused me. Who is he referring to, who are they? Ralf studied his features for a moment. "All right then. On your feet, child. Let's go!" He swatted Catherine on her behind and the woman staggered wearily onto the path. I didn't care much for the swat on Catherine. It really detracted from the tension of the moment and seemed very disrespectful unnecessarily Charity My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" . My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 12/09/2018 @ 3:33pm EST