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 Review #4462094 |
 | The Man in the Hallway  [13+] A traveler spending the night in a hotel encounters a strange man.  |
| (3.5)  Greetings, Detective ! I am reviewing this piece because I am part of "I Write in 2019" , and your item was next in line for me to review.  First of all, my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest.Title & Summary I love the title, and the summary is exactly as it should be... not giving up too much, but enough to spark interest.  My First Impression This is a great story. I loved the whole idea of the strange man, wondering who he was and why he was there. The bones of your story are solid. With just a bit of polish here and there, it will shine!  Punctuation/Grammar/Typos  Paragraph 1: had taken him down some back roads You might want to use a stronger verb than taken. Consider something similar to: had led him down some back roads Another suggestion for this paragraph is to blend your second and third sentences into one. The paragraph sounds just a little choppy the way it is now. Paragraph 2: She asked. Uncap the S, as she said is a dialogue tag, and even though the dialogue ends with a question mark, the tag is still an extension of it so does not need to be capitalized. --> she asked. Paragraph 4: “Alright,” she said as typed on You left out the word she. Also, you might consider replacing said with replied since you have three consecutive saids within three paragraphs. That's up to you, though. “Alright,” she replied as she typed on Paragraph 6: The first three sentences begin with either He gave or She gave. Consider using stronger verbs. Also, try to show more than tell. Here are a few examples:He gave her his information and paid her. --> He handed her his information, then paid her. The floor was quiet when he stepped out of the elevator. It was actually eerie. --> An eerie silence engulfed him as he stepped out from the elevator. These are just a few samples of what you could do, if you choose, with this paragraph. Try to avoid repetitious weak verbs such as was and gave. Read through this paragraph and think, "How can I show the scene instead of telling it?" Believe me, we have all done this and most of us still struggle with it.  That's what we're here for. Paragraph 12: Five out of eight sentences in this paragraph begin with the word He. Try to mix it up a little. One example is: He turned the TV on and found a station playing an action movie. --> After turning on the TV, he clicked through the channels until finding an action movie. Also, avoid repetitious words in this paragraph, including: turning, decided, door, and Paragraph 15: to speak to him , Mark went back --> to speak to him, Mark went back (Omit the space before the comma.) Paragraph 16: the man in black suit. --> the man in the black suit.he saw the desk lady from the night before was still there. --> he noticed the desk lady from the night before was still there. Paragraph 17: He was caught trying by security last night coming out of another guest’s room after you called. A bit confusing here. Consider clearing this sentence up a tad with something similar to: He was caught by security last night, coming out of another guest’s room, right after you called. By omitting trying, this sentence reads a little smoother and it still makes sense.This was a bit choppy: there have been reports for years about from guests and staff seeing him around --> there have been reports received for years from guests and staff seeing him around Other Suggestions/Thoughts  Something I try to do, is read my draft over a few times... aloud. You'd be surprised with what you might catch with your ears vs your eyes. You'll discover weak verbs, repetitious words, and areas you could show more than tell. Writing, rewriting, and rewriting again is not unusual for any writer. Polishing makes a bit difference. And we all do it. So please don't be discouraged... Be encouraged!   My favorite sentence...I hope you have a restful night, though I recommend you remain in your room tonight. Great story! I hope my suggestions were helpful.  Have a great day and  K e e p on W r i t i n g ! ~Cubby ")    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 01/14/2019 @ 7:00pm EST