First off keep in mind that I am not a professional. My review and suggestions are just that, and are meant to be helpful, not hurtful. Once I tell you what I think, it is up to you, as the author of this piece, to do what you feel is right.


That being said I read this piece twice, once for pleasure and the second time to focus on what I think are the good and bad points to comment on. I didn't notice any glaring spelling or grammar mistakes. But I am not sure what "Usain Bolted" means.


Most of your word choices are fine, but I'm not sure if teenagers would refer to cops as "Law Enforcement."


The appearance of your piece is fine. It is nicely spaced and easy to read.


I like the images that you created. The emotions were well felt.


I think there were several times that I ran into run on sentences that blocked what you were talking about.


What I thought shouldn't be there at this point, is Mom telling Sara that her deceased dad was a pot head. And where he got his weed from. Until then I thought he was a hard working, God fearing man who was a good husband and father.

Question: What about the funeral? What about mother and daughter bonding and becoming a stronger family unit because of the death. I know Mom is suffering, so she crawls into the bottle? When Mom said something about wrong decisions and shot Sara a glance, did she get pregnant? Does Mom regret it?

Just items to think about. Since you titled this chapter one I suppose you will address some of my questions in the next chapter. Good job. Write on!!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .