Usually, when someone sends me a multi-chapter piece, I learn all I need from the first couple of chapters. And generally the news isn’t good. Crippling problems with narrative technique that reveal themselves in the opening pages aren’t going to magically go away as the book plods on. Sometimes, if it seems that a workable core exists to be developed, I’ll try to separate the story from the method of it’s telling. But in truth, with stories all is in the telling. Everything else is wishful thinking and good intentions. It doesn’t matter how great your story is—If your narrative technique is clumsy and inept, no one will stick around long enough to discover it. So let me start this critique by stating that not only did I read all five chapters, if you’d sent more, I’d have read those too. Suffice it to say that your narrative technique presents no issues. It’s mature and polished.

Why I say this is a bit murky. It’s much easier to talk about writing that misses the mark. Observations like That sentence has no verb; or You just killed off your main character in the middle of her own flashback; or, most often, Nothing actually happens, are just too easy. One scarcely need break a sweat. With writing like yours, before speaking intelligently about it, a reviewer must first settle for himself what makes for a good narrative style. Good writing forces a reviewer to get better.

While there are many things I could touch upon, they wouldn't really nail what it is that makes your writing work. I could talk of dialogue that sounds as though real people might have spoken the lines; characters that seem believable—neither all saint nor sinner, simply flawed in ways that make us feel we know them; a nice balance between exposition, and close-up action and dialogue; and real-time pacing—we never wonder about the moving point of the present moment. You’ve also created an alternate world with enough detail and internal consistency that we don’t worry about missing elements, and you wisely don’t over reach trying to provide them. Letting your characters interact within the parameters of the world you’ve created for them will tell us much. I thought you laid it on a bit thick in Chapter Four, force feeding us the whole cosmology in one, massive gulp. Keep in mind, just because it’s important to your characters doesn’t mean it will be to your readers. I think you could have achieved the same result with some healthy editing. Still, it’s innovative in a Tolkeinesque sort of way, taking a more or less universally agreed upon morality and ethical system and grafting unique elements on top of it. All of these things are valid to point out, but good writing is more than the sum of its parts. Sometimes it's best not to look too closely, for fear of screwing up the spontaneity that is an essential, though indescribable, part of the process. You don't want to think about it too much.

Another thing about good writing: while bad writing reveals it’s shortcomings quickly, in a matter of a few paragraphs, good writing can take longer for problems to become evident. In your case, that worked out to just about five chapters. I suspected the truth before that, but I read everything provided just to make sure. This is definitely something you need to think about.

Dude, you have no story. Five chapters have come and gone and you are still vamping on your set-ups. Set-ups are not stories. They are the fertile ground in which the seeds of a story can take root, blossom and thrive. To be sure, there is a rich field of potential here. You have the broad three-way conflict between tourists, locals, and the criminals who exploit them both. You have obvious potential between Ryuki and Rajiana. And Ryuki is a classic coming of age youth, trying to find a place for himself. Shucks, with all those sticks in the fire, you’d think one would catch.

You need to make a decision. Well, you’ve already made it, but you seem unaware of it. This is Ryuki’s story. He’s your main character, your POV character. He’s our access to the events that unfold, and it will be Ryuki with whom we identify. Now, give him a story. Rule of Thumb: you need to come up with the elevator, or back cover, sales pitch, the crystallization of the plot in a concise enough format that you can deliver it on an elevator ride, or fit it into the back cover blurb. If you have one in mind, you need to set things in motion well before Chapter Five. If you don't... well, that's what we're talking about. Get one.

A few thoughts about plot. There are an infinite number of ways to slice and dice plot dynamics. Some say there are twenty master plots. Some say a hundred. For my money, there are two. Fight or flight. Either your character seeks some object, state or condition that he does not now have in his life, or there is something he wishes or needs to avoid or escape. In both cases you have the most essential element of your story: a reason for your character to get off his butt and actually make decisions and take actions. That’s how plots are formed, and this imbalance in the placid surface of what would otherwise be their status quo existence provides the force field that propels events, and the compass that gives the activities focus and direction. I would say you’ve given Ryuki plenty of reasons to be dissatisfied. And you have him doing things, particularly in chapter 2 and Chapter 5. Each of those chapters, as well as the others, is concise and complete, something like a short story. But that’s a problem.

Each of your chapters is a self-contained unit; they begin, move through a series of events, and then come to a conclusion. Pretty much like a short story. But unlike short stories, chapters need to lead one to the next. I don’t think the effect of your five chapters would be appreciably altered were their order to be mixed up and randomized. That tells me that so far, there is nothing in particular forming a narrative arc for Ryuki. No problem looms causing him to make decisions and take actions, that will begin the process of moving him inexorably forward.

Keep in mind: problems are the coin of the realm in a narrative. Problems, and the effort to solve, them are what tell a reader that time is passing, that there is a before, and an after. This is what will cause your reader to ponder that most essential question: Gosh, I wonder what's gonna happen next. Without problems, there is no next. Just endless hovering in place. Toss a few problems at your characters, then step out of the way and watch them go about dealing with them. They may surprise you.