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Review #4474162
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Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: | (4.0)
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*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hey there, fireember! First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

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My Thoughts: The title of your story drew me in, and I really enjoyed reading it. I could easily imagine the haunting scene that you described, and you did an excellent job setting the mood of this piece. I love reading and writing flash fiction, and I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete and meaningful story using few words. You did a great job here!

First person narration worked well for this piece, and it was easy for me to follow the narrator down the dangerous path. I could almost hear the eerie woman singing! I especially liked the ending.

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My Suggestions: The story is written in present tense, but you switch to past tense a lot throughout the story. For example, the first sentence is present tense. The second through fifth sentences are past tense. You switch back to present in the sixth only to go back to past in the seventh. You do this throughout the story. I suggest choosing one tense to use throughout the story.

In the first sentence, the semicolon should be after "air", and the comma should be after "soft".

You refer to the female as "woman" throughout the story, but you refer to her as "girl" in the second paragraph. I suggest changing "girl" to "woman".

I didn't understand this sentence: "I try to speak, but it was forbidden to." Did you mean "I tried to speak, but it was forbidden" or "I tried to speak, but I was forbidden"?

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Overall: Thank you for sharing your writing! This was a good story that could be even better after an edit to resolve issues with past v. present tense. I can already tell you're going to do well on WDC! Again, if there's anything I can do to assist you, please don't hesitate to let me know!

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