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 Review #4474339 |
 | The Lonesome Body  [ASR] But she was there. Now she's here.  |
| (4.0)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Hey there, Smidge ! First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time! My Thoughts: The title of this story is interesting and appropriate and made me want to read it. The fact that it's in the "dark" genre pleased me, because that's one of my favorite genres. I also love reading and writing flash fiction, so this piece was right up my alley. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete and meaningful story using few words, and you did a great job here! This story has an interesting plot and character. I have seen movies and read other stories that are similar, but this one is different enough to be unique and interesting. Your descriptive writing made it easy for me to picture the scenes in the bathroom, and I particularly liked the way the story ended.  My Suggestions: First of all, I couldn't help but wonder why the mirror didn't break. The way you described Lara lunging herself at it, I couldn't help but imagine it in shards. This sentence was a stumbling block for me: "She went through but nothing else did - her clothes swung off, her skin, her bones, her heart and everything else." I would suggest changing "She" to "Her soul". I would think "she" refers to Lara's entire body, not just her soul. And the rest of the sentence doesn't do well at explaining it either. It makes me imagine a pile of skin, bones and organs in a heap on the floor, not what appears to be a person as you intended.  Overall: Thank you for sharing your writing! This short story was a pleasure to read and review, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon. I can already tell you're going to be a wonderful addition to the WDC community! Again, if there's ever anything I can do to help you, don't hesitate to email me! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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