INTRODUCTION

Hello Jay L ,

I hope you don't mind me dropping in with another review for the last day of Poetry month. I found your item "Purpose Beneath The Surface"  in the review request thread, and thought I'd leave you with my thoughts on it.

WHAT I LIKED:

Energy

What sticks out most to me about the poem is the amount of energy that it contains. It's obvious that the narrator is very excited about all the promises being made, and the rhythm and word choice both really reflect that.

Here's a good example:

My plan has started working
Finally feeling certain
Once existing as a secret
However I can no longer keep it

The way the lines of this stanza are broken up just seems to invite the reader to keep going to the next one. That's something I think you executed really well.



Pay off

The one thing that I would have liked to see in this piece would a bigger pay out. It feels like a lot of the poem is build up, promising to let the audience in on a big secret, a hidden purpose, but then it feels like you never do. I got to the end of the poem still excited, but not sure what the "purpose beneath the surface" really was. Clarifying that would really add something to the experience, at least in my opinion.

(Another option would be to acknowledge it's not something that can be shared on the page, and just invite the reader to come on a journey, leaving them on that moment of excitement, but again, I think it would be stronger if you at least acknowledged that it wasn't going to be clarified.)

CONCLUSION:

I think this was a good start to something. It felt like it was missing something, but wherever there's this much passion for an idea, there's a ton of potential. I think if it were cleaned up a little and polished up, it could be an amazing, energetic, passionate piece.

I hope the review was helpful, and that I get the chance to read more of your work in the future.

Sincerely,

-Cat
















My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .