Hi, ruwth - I'm reviewing this as a fellow participant in "I Write in 2019"  [E].

First impression: I looked at the contest prompt before reading your item so I could know what was going on, and it seems as if all the prompt events were covered. I do think the story could use some polish, as noted below, but as a scene it shows the story the prompt sets out to tell.

Suggestions: Some items for your consideration. As you know, I'm not affiliated with the contest in question so I'm not speaking to its suitability there; my comments reflect my opinions about the writing itself.

Tense changes through the story. It starts out in past "...he stood in line..." then moves to present "Roscoe begins to stack..." and then back to past "...he grumbled..." Suggest you pick present or past tense and use it consistently.

Sentences such as "It does not look inviting" are classic examples of telling, not showing. The other sentences in that particular paragraph provide good descriptions of the condition of the house, and they imply the "uninviting" part. I'd suggest removing that last sentence and replacing it with other word-pictures of the house. Is the lawn a mess, too? The shrubbery? That sort of thing.

What happened to the pot roast he was defrosting? Bit of a loose end.

"...he grumbled to the stonyfaced woman..." - for the most part, this story does a good job sticking to Roscoe's POV. This is a bit of an exception; earlier, she'd turned her back on him, so it doesn't seem like he'd be able to see her face. Perhaps a different way to describe her attitude?

From a narrative standpoint, again, we're seeing everything through Roscoe's eyes and thoughts, so he obviously wouldn't know everything going on in her head. He describes her as being in a "funk" early on, but what I was wondering reading this was, what does he think is going on? Sounds like a classic case of severe depression, but maybe he's taking it personally. Or maybe he just wants out, or he doesn't care, or whatever. Again, I wouldn't write those things explicitly, but maybe some hint at what's going on in his head besides describing her "fat butt."

Opening: Generally, I'd suggest not opening the story with a sentence containing a "be" verb ("Roscoe was ready...") Perhaps starting with the second sentence, instead (maybe modified to name him there) would provide a reader with a better idea of setting and character, and give us a stronger hook.

Ending: Doesn't really resolve anything; or, rather, it does, and then come the sentences ending in ellipses. Maybe simply editing those out would work to provide a cleaner ending, with Roscoe resolving to do more cleaning.

Overall: A narrative that fits the prompt scenes to the extent that I understand them. Could use more conflict, perhaps internal to Roscoe. Keeping such a short story to one point of view is a good thing. A good start, but could be polished. Either way, keep up the writing!

You responded to this review 05/20/2019 @ 8:02am EDT

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