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Review #4485643
Viewing a review of:
My 24 Syllable Notebook  [13+]
A place to hide my feeble attempts of counting syllables.
by Lilli 🧿 ☕
         Review for entry/chapter: "The Beast" 
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi Lilli 🧿 ☕ ,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is also part of "I Write in 2019" .

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I have just entered the same round as you for this contest, so it was really interesting to see the different directions we took with the prompt. Honestly, yours is much better than mine! I love the darkness and the way you describe this person's effect on you as like trapping you in quicksand. One thing ... I say "the person", but I think you are actually speaking directly to your depression, aren't you? (I could have that wrong.)

Voice/Tone: This is a sad poem which I can relate to a lot. Both in terms of depression, and in terms of a monster luring you into his lair. The last line is the most upsetting: "My sad fate sealed." That brought a lump to my throat. And, it's definitely not how it has to be. Nothing is written in stone. We can escape (people, easier than our own minds).

Mechanics: Just one thing ... I would place a period at the end. Normally, I don't worry too much about doing that in poetry. But, as you have punctuated the other lines, I would include the last one in that.

My Favourite Part: I really love the personal voice of the narrator speaking to whoever (or whatever) is pulling them down. It comes across really well. Also, the quicksand metaphor is a great one. It makes me think of someone being pulled and sucked deeper down into their own mind, arms flailing, shouting for help. But with no one to save them but themselves. As I said, I may have read this wrong, but that's how it makes me feel.

This is a sad, but beautifully written poem. It's so relatable, and I love the direction you took the prompt. Great work, Lilli!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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