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 Review #4489618 |
 | Romance in the Library Chapter 1  [ASR] A chance encounter in the library to get the ball rolling (Clean romance!)  |
| (3.0)| Hi Melody Cadence Clark  Click the image above and you'll arrive at the Newbie Welcome Wagon! Excellent idea to add the caveat that the romance is clean. And you have it correctly rated.  I liked both your characters and their interaction. The transition from one character to the other flowed well when sometimes it can be a distraction. The dad added a touch of remorse, giving Laughlan an opportunity to greet and then console Kallee. Their interaction was a bit odd, but I guess Kallee felt comfortable enough with him. Or maybe she was desperate. I'm not sure this scenario is believable or sounds genuine. All the descriptive passages lit up images in my mind. Good job describing smells. You worked wonders 'moving' your characters through the different scenes.  I've never seen a piece written partly in exchanged text. At first the underlining seemed incorrect, but it worked. I wonder if italics would work? I'm no comma queen, but the comma errors are so extensive in this piece, they're too many to correct. Don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you can find a comma tutorial somewhere. From what I saw in your portfolio, this seems to be an ongoing romance. I have a suggestion. Why not create a folder for all the chapters. You can also put links at the bottom of each chapter to lead the reader to the next.  You've got a nice piece here to work with. Now comes the fun part. Editing.  Reading and reviewing will help tremendously. I have a few links that might be of interest to you. "Noticing Newbies" A wonderful place to introduce yourself. You'll find multiple links to help you. "Contest Central Station" has a current list of all WdC contests. Find the Newbie ones (or any other that appeals to you) and enter your work.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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