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 Review #4494768 |
 Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  NYCTOPHOBIA: [n] An abnormal fear of night or darkness. Good morning, slgrybkos, and welcome to WdC. For the record, my real name is Jack Tyler, and my handle is a reference to my steampunk days; I'm transitioning to horror, but try to review a wide variety of styles and genres. While I have a few books in print, I am neither a famous author nor a renowned critic. I'm just a guy with an opinion that I'm here to share, and if you disagree with anything I say here, remember that the only opinion that matters is yours. I should explain that I use a template in which I discuss my views on the important areas of quality storytelling, then compare your work to my own beliefs on the matter. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. This review is a bit different, being for a story that is already published and thus doesn't lend itself to easy editing. WdC reviews are more about telling you what's good and what needs work. I'll take a run at it, though, and maybe I'll offer you something you might find useful in the future. Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD STORY: This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. You should note that if you're reading this review, it means you've garnered decent to high marks in this category, or I would have moved on to something more engaging. I will try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination, so congratulations; you've done something well already. This is a delightful little chiller. It's written in an old style that you might find at the turn of the last century or in a 1940s pulp, and I personally like that. I find the modern "Wham, bam, thank you ma'am" style of writing to be a bit impersonal, like the author doesn't have time for the niceties. What can I say, I'm a dinosaur! As to the story itself, how delightfully horrible: A man afraid of the dark blinds himself staring at a solar eclipse. There will be those who dislike the story because a monster doesn't jump out to attack him, his own brain doesn't turn on him, or some similar outcome, but seriously, losing your sight is horrible enough, and losing it when you're terrified of the dark, well, that is true horror! This is very relatable in a way that being stalked by a dinosaur in a deserted factory can never approach. CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will kill any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? There is really but a single character here, the woman who gives him the mysterious paper being, not a McGuffin, but a mechanism to deliver the McGuffin. We never find out what's on it, and I didn't even notice that until I reread in slow detail for the review. We live in this man's head, and experience his torment as he seeks relief, only to find damnation. The slow ride to the finale is worth every moment. SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? The magic shop (I assume) is atmospheric and does a good job hooking the reader. The paper didn't amount to much, and it could just as well have been the office of a psychiatrist touting the virtues of therapy, but that magic shop is steeped in lore and mystery in the way that no clinical setting could ever be. The town is nondescript, and nothing is harmed for that. It's backdrop to his daily life, and culminates in leading him outside his clearly-imagined home for the final denouement. In summary, your settings aren't "unique and vibrant," as I've heard some successful authors claim is an absolute must, but you demonstrate a knack for grounding a scene without allowing that grounding to upstage the action, and that's an excellent accomplishment. PRESENTATION: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that. As is almost always the case, I found a couple of little issues here that need pointing out. First, the paragraphing. I don't know how it is in your book, and I hope it's right, but here in the WdC version, you need paragraphs. Double-space between them or indent them, but they need to be broken up somehow, especially with the tiny font you've gone with. It's a bit of a chore to follow without them. That may be right in the book, and I'm not going to beat you up over it, but take a look at the transition between these two paragraphs: I always kept the paper with me and once almost lost it swimming in the river near my home. Daylight shone down on a heavy afternoon weeks after my ciphered dream... You have verbally indicated the passage of a considerable length of time in that passage, and made me stop and reread the whole passage, thereby yanking me bodily out of the immersion. You should separate those two paragraphs with a centered asterisk * or even insert section 3 here, making the end section 4. The paragraphs may just be due to unfamiliarity with WdC's ML, but not separating those paragraphs is an immersion-breaker... Though not a huge one. I usually find quite a few more errors than this in a piece this long, no matter how talented the writer. This is good work. SUMMARY: Time now to answer the all-important question: how did you do? I can only reply by saying Quite Well. That one little presentation hiccup in a piece of this size is the next thing to nothing. You have an excellent voice, and I enjoyed reading and reviewing your story. I hope that I have presented my opinions in a way that is constructive, and that you will find helpful to your endeavors going forward. It is never my intention to belittle anyone's efforts or discourage them from following the dream that I have found so fulfilling for the last six decades. In any case, if I can leave you with one thought to take with you, let it be this: Don't forget to have the fun! So many young and beginning writers get so caught up in the daily word count, the quest for publication, and the often conflicting advice of other writers that they forget to enjoy the journey. You may or may not become the next Big Celebrity Author, but you will always have the experience. Make sure it's a good one! Read well, and write better,  Jack Want to talk horror with some of WdC's leading practitioners? Become a regular at
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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