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 Review #4496322 |
 | Last of the Old Earth Dwellers  [E] Part of Choconut's "Taboo Words Contest". 749 words (lol).  |
| (4.5)  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Oh, the frustration! Just had over an hour's work on this deleted. It's a worthy story, so I'll start over. By the way, good morning, Marion Parker , and welcome to WdC. Beholden  recommended this, and as I respect his work, I decided to come over and see what gets him excited.For the record, my real name is Jack Tyler, and my handle is a reference to my steampunk days; I'm transitioning to horror, but try to review a wide variety of styles and genres. While I have a few books in print, I am neither a famous author nor a renowned critic. I'm just a guy with an opinion that I'm here to share, and if you disagree with anything I say here, remember that the only opinion that matters is yours. I should explain that I use a template in which I discuss my views on the important areas of quality storytelling, then compare your work to my own beliefs on the matter. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD STORY: This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. You should note that if you're reading this review, it means you've garnered decent to high marks in this category, or I would have moved on to something more engaging. I will try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination, so congratulations; you've done something well already. What I found was a chilling little tale of reminiscence, as a middle-aged man (Jeremy; boy's name), recalls a visit to his grandmother, one of the last survivors of old Earth. The story is gripping, and one with a long history: people who have learned a painful lesson, and those coming behind who forget it and have to learn it anew. The younger generation is well-aware of the monsters who ravaged Earth, but have fallen into the "It can't happen here" mentality. Jeremy seems to believe, but one man can't convince a society; he can't even convince his own brothers. He seems to share space with the Twilight Zone character who was the only one who could see the gremlin tearing pieces off the airplane. Top-notch storytelling! CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will kill any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? There are really only two characters in this story; people mentioned in passing don't count. Jeremy is narrating the story of a visit to his grandmother, and the deep, frightening conversation they had. Both are well-drawn with the implied backstory that makes the best characters compelling. They draw the reader in and hold him there until the message is delivered. This is the best you can ask of a character, and again, top-notch work on this aspect. SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? Brilliantly! The mood music is sinister. This society seems to have "warehoused" its Old-Earthers, creating an "us and them" mentality, isolating them, and more importantly, their knowledge and memories from society at large. When Jeremy enters the "home," for want of a better word, it's almost as though he's going to a safe-deposit box, needing "passwords" in the form of a name and room number to even be admitted. This could have been set in the old woman's house or a public venue, but this vault for old people speaks volumes about the larger society without a word of exposition. PRESENTATION: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that. I didn't find a single grammatical or spelling error, and in a piece of this size, that's pretty close to unheard of. There is, however, one issue that is a pretty big one. Paragraphs, or the lack of them. Readers need paragraphs to organize the story as they read it, and not having any forces the reader to grope for the transitions and weakens the impact accordingly. You can indent these by typing {indent} at the beginning of each paragraph — there's a short cut key at the top of the composition page — or double-spacing between paragraphs. Some writers do both, but it definitely needs to be addressed. I'm only deducting half a star, as this is easily fixed. SUMMARY: Time now to answer the all-important question: how did you do? In a word, magnificent. This is a compelling story with a moral that is not immediately apparent, and aren't those the most effective ones? The lack of paragraphs hurts the story, but like I said, it's easily fixed. All in all, an excellent offering. I hope that I have presented my opinions in a way that is constructive, and that you will find helpful to your endeavors going forward. It is never my intention to belittle anyone's efforts or discourage them from following the dream that I have found so fulfilling for the last six decades. In any case, if I can leave you with one thought to take with you, let it be this: Don't forget to have the fun! So many young and beginning writers get so caught up in the daily word count, the quest for publication, and the often conflicting advice of other writers that they forget to enjoy the journey. You may or may not become the next Big Celebrity Author, but you will always have the experience. Make sure it's a good one! Read well, and write better,  Jack Want to talk horror with some of WdC's leading practitioners? Become a regular at
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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