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 Review #4502215 |
| (4.5)  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Good morning, Mark Diaz  , and welcome to WdC. For the record, my real name is Jack Tyler, and my handle is a reference to my steampunk days; I'm transitioning to horror, but try to review a wide variety of styles and genres. While I have a few books in print, I am neither a famous author nor a renowned critic. I'm just a guy with an opinion that I'm here to share, and if you disagree with anything I say here, remember that the only opinion that matters is yours. I should explain that I use a template in which I discuss my views on the important areas of quality storytelling, then compare your work to my own beliefs on the matter. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. I liked your bio, and here's a little secret to take with you: We're all outliners; some of us call our outlines "first drafts." Okay, let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD STORY: This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. You should note that if you're reading this review, it means you've garnered decent to high marks in this category, or I would have moved on to something more engaging. I will try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination, so congratulations; you've done something well already.   This starts out like a guy narrating his last acid trip, then ends as if it's a dream, then becomes the last dream this guy has before he passes on. How many stars this rates depends on the effect you were reaching for. I'll be honest, this sort of guy-on-drugs writing doesn't much appeal to me, but I don't want to deprive you of a review based on my own preconceptions, so I'm nicking it half a star because I'm not sure that you've achieved your goal. But you've come damned close at any rate, so high marks here.CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will kill any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? All of these characters come across as completely weird, but they belong in this story. Everyday, normal people would have made it virtually pointless, but the teacher, the kids, the "crowded" classroom with "almost twelve" kids, all of it sells this story as exactly what it's trying to be, and the Cut and Run game is the brilliant little cherry on top.SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? This could have been set in a lot of places. Putting it in a school setting taps into a universal experience that we all can relate to, and the experience carries a lot of negative aspects, even if you were one of the popular kids. When it transitions to a man in a cell, the change is smooth because schools can be a bit like prison, a place you have to be, like it or not, with a crowd of people, some of whom aren't very likeable. Both these elements, characters and setting, are handled with skill and confidence.PRESENTATION: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that. In your bio, you expressed concern with your translation. Let me assure you that if you hadn't mentioned it, I would never have guessed that you aren't a native speaker. You use all the right tenses, verb forms, thematic changes, the right versions of there/their/they're, everything is just the way it should be. The rhythm of your phrasing is spot-on as well. The only little hiccup I found was in this sentence: But people though it was too long. This should be "...people thought it was..." This is a nothing point, and not one I'm going to deduct half a star for. If there's a lesson to be learned there, it's don't depend on Spellcheck. It's a good tool, and should always be on, but "though" and "thought" are both words, and the only thing that will catch that error is the Mark I Eyeball. Use it liberally.SUMMARY: Time now to answer the all-important question: how did you do? You did very well. You kept my attention throughout a story that isn't really my cup of tea, and having finished it, I have no inclination to say, "Well, that was dumb." This is an excellent piece of work, both thematically and mechanically, that deserves to find it audience, and if this is your everyday writing style, I'm sure you will find yours as well. I hope that I have presented my opinions in a way that is constructive, and that you will find helpful to your endeavors going forward. It is never my intention to belittle anyone's efforts or discourage them from following the dream that I have found so fulfilling for the last six decades. In any case, if I can leave you with one thought to take with you, let it be this: Don't forget to have the fun! So many young and beginning writers get so caught up in the daily word count, the quest for publication, and the often conflicting advice of other writers that they forget to enjoy the journey. You may or may not become the next Big Celebrity Author, but you will always have the experience. Make sure it's a good one! Read well, and write better,  Jack Want to experience some more of my weird outlooks? Visit me at my blog, "Invalid Item" . Don't be fooled by the name; I talk about all kinds of things. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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