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 Review #4509328 |
  |  | Prompted by Poet's Place Cafe  [E] Inspired by challenges at Poet's Place Cafe, a forum designed to hone your writing skills.  |
| (4.0)| Hi, Tinker ! Overall +/- :My thoughts on the piece as a whole... I'm here as a fellow participant in "I Write" to read and review your lovely poetry! While I'm not a coffee drinker and only occasionally drink tea (caffeine and I have way-too-enthusiastic relationship, and a bit consumed at the wrong time can keep me from sleeping), I loved the vibrant and beautiful language you employed in this poem. Just once or twice, I stumbled a bit. I'll talk about why below.  Rhythm & Flow:Whether freeverse or tightly-structured formal poetry, flow is paramount. Very good! I love that most lines seem to be written with eight syllables each and in iambic tetrameter, which gives the poem an energy that seems very appropriate for an enlivening beverage! The first line, however, broke both the meter and the otherwise-consistent syllable count, so it read as awkward for me. I'm a reader who delights in patterns, though, so other readers may not have this same struggle! Diverging from an otherwise consistent theme or meter for emphasis can be a powerful tool in any poet's arsenal, but I couldn't see anything that made that particular line more powerful than the others, so I stumbled over the change. If at all possible, and if it fits with your vision for your work, I'd suggest taking the word enriches in the line My morning brew enriches each day and replacing it with two syllables to match the syllable count of the other lines. I'd suggest something like, My morning brew uplifts/exalts/improves/makes bright/some other word; (you can undoubtedly do better than I can on this front!) my days. Language & Word Choice:Because poetry is one of the briefer art forms, every word matters. I loved phrases like enticing bloom! Some of the verbs were more generic here—or seemed to be. Coffee doesn't hold me in its thrall, so I may very well just not be tapping into the right mood for this poem! However, words like "fill" (used twice; relatively neutral verb) and filter phrases like "I watch" removed be a bit from the hypnotic attraction of your coffee. I'm always in so much awe of your language, your talent for meter, and the vibrancy of your work! This one still showed the hallmarks of your talent but didn't land as hard for me. Again, it may be due to my inability to identify with the subject of this work! Things I liked  :Sometimes phrases or lines jump off the page.   I breathe it in, enticing bloom. — This recalls to mind both a beautiful natural image and the mesmerizing image of creamer blooming in black coffee. It's a stunning bit of language! The sweet aroma - Coffee has a really enticing aroma, but not one I'd describe as sweet. I found this description interesting! To a person who loves it, I can imagine that the aroma would indeed seem sweet. Suggestions:Take them with a grain of salt. I watch steam rise(;) I fill my mug. — This run-on crams two independent sentences together with no punctuation. While I could see this sort of thing being rhetorically-effective for someone shaking with caffeine overdose, it disrupts the sleepy mood of the poem pre-coffee. I'd suggest putting a semicolon between each sentence.then to my lips I give a chug. — "to my lips I give a chug" read as quite clunky to me. I like what I imagine the intent might be—separating you from your desire—but it tripped me up each time I read it. A line like this may read more naturally, while maintaining the syllable count and meter: Then to my lips I lift my drug for work of play, — (or) In Closing:Any final thoughts... An interesting poem, well-written. With a bit of polish, I think it would glow. Thank you for sharing your work! It's been a pleasure to encounter it. Write On!  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You last responded to this review 10/15/2019 @ 1:18am EDT