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 Review #4510828 |
| (4.0)   Greetings, 🌑 Darleen - QoD  ! I am reviewing this because I am part of "I Write in 2019" .  My words are meant to be encouraging and helpful, not hurtful in any way. If you disagree with my humble suggestions, please disregard my words.   You've presented a situation with a protagonist (Skylar), obstacles (bullies), and a solution (Snake).  While you have just a few minor boo-boos to consider, this is a sweet little story of a homeless girl who is attacked by bullies because she is small and frail. When someone (H?) leaves a gift beneath her tree, she discovers it is a puppy. She names her puppy Snake and he loves her and protects her in unimaginable ways! The bullies never bother her again. (YAY!!!) Boo-boos  Paragraph 1: and sat down on her pile of blankets hurt. I would insert a comma after blankets, for pause. and sat down on her pile of blankets, hurt. Paragraph 2: she found in the gutters You might consider she'd found in the gutters Paragraph 2: and marveled at the light show that reflected from them from the candles. To avoid the repetition of the word from, you might consider and marveled at the light show caused from the reflection of the candles. Paragraph 2: You spelled Skylar Skyler in this sentence, which isn't consistent with the other spelling. I have done the same thing before.  Paragraph 13: She stopped and hid, but Snake barked out, his fur bristled. You have two possible options here, it's up to you. Since you have two independent clauses here, you might consider a semi-colon after the word out She stopped and hid, but Snake barked out; his fur bristled. or... you might consider changing bristled to bristling. She stopped and hid, but Snake barked out, his fur bristling. Paragraph 13: Bully number 3 I noticed this is the only number used as a numeral verses the number word. You might consider staying consistent either way. Paragraph 18: while there other two held her down. I'm pretty sure you meant to type the, not there. while the other two held her down. Paragraph 20: while she vomited blood next to her, Did you mean him instead? while she vomited blood next to him, otherwise, you might consider herself. In the second to the last paragraph, you switch from third person POV to first person POV. The last paragraph is also in first person. I have to admit, I do this sometimes, too.  I think it means you're just very emotionally connected to your character.  Goodies   Aw...  Loved that Skylar was gifted the puppy, Snake!  Loved that Snake protected her from the bullies! I sensed you were very connected to this story, especially toward the end.  Chillin' & Thrillin'  I loved how you began your story... Skylar slid through the broken boards along the side of the abandoned house and sat down on her pile of blankets hurt. Nice visual! Good luck in the contest!   Have a great day and... K e e p on W r i t i n g ! Cubby ")
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You responded to this review 11/23/2019 @ 3:03pm EST