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Review #4513499
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Things that go Bump in the Night  [E]
As you do your morning routine you listen to the news. Something isn't right...
by K.M.Baker
Review by Angus
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*

Bon jour, K.M. Baker!
This is trippy. Good, but trippy. It started out a little slow, but you gradually picked up the pace as you moved toward that ominous ending. And it seems you like twisted/surprise endings just as much as I do! *Thumbsupl*
I don’t see a lot of stories told in the 3rd person, but it worked well for this. Makes it more personal. I’m not too sure about putting so many details into the descriptions, though. Descriptions are good, but with so many in this I thought it kind of dragged it down a tad. Of course, that’s just my opinion, for what that’s worth.
What really blindsided me about that ending was the fact that your MC was smiling there at the end when he discovers the missing Mr. Cole Jones! You could have gone two ways with this, but you took the really unique direction. Instead of your MC realizing with sudden horror that HE was the killer, he takes satisfaction gratification and enjoyment in it!
Makes me wonder how many other folks he’s eliminated!
I guess dreams really do come true! *Laugh*
Great spelling and telling, but I do have a comment and suggestions:
‘you sit on your old brown couch(,) that you found along the road somewhere...’ (don’t need that comma)
‘Mr. Jones had gone out for a few drinks(,) at the local bar.’ (same here)
‘The following morning, you wake up, back in the comfort of your own bed.’ (using the word ‘back’ here kind of threw me, since there was no indication that he’d left to begin with. I know we find out later that he obviously did leave, but I think if you’d put a few subtle hints in his ‘dream’ where he felt sick to his stomach and everything went black it would work better. I’m just saying using the word ‘back’ in that sentence didn’t quite work for me)
"Hello(,) Jonesy." (you do need a comma here)
Otherwise, three thumbs up! *Thumbsupl* *Thumbsupl* *Thumbsupl*
Kee ponw ritin gon, KM! PLEASE!!! You have a lot more talent than I think you know, and I look forward to reading more of your stories!

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The WDC Angel Army  (ASR)
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#1188309 by iKïyå§ama

Angus Hand

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