Hi, Mastiff !

          Overall Thoughts
My first impressions of your story.

         I'm here to read and review your work as a participant in “I Write.” I selected this story for one of my extra reviews, because I opened it up, started reading, and was immediately drawn in. Absolutely wonderful work on this one. You told a story with vibrant, well-developed characters in right around 400 words, which is an accomplishment in itself, but you also told it entirely in dialogue, which is even more fun.

          — Character:

         Well done! Jim's voice clearly showed his personality. It's a voice I know well! Trying to talk sense to someone deep in drink is a struggle—which was why I was cheering for the son. His dry, resigned voice showed well in lines like, “We did…” and his explanations about the current state of the family that Jim were also a great example of his voice. That exchange also served to let me know more about the state of affairs in this story. Really masterful work. I was almost always able to tell immediately who was speaking, and in the very few cases when I didn't know right away, it became clear a few words in.

          — Plot:

         Clear and well-executed. Alcoholic Uncle Jim visits (uninvited) for the holidays and is more or less tolerated until he does something his nephew simply can't take. I love that you ended the story with the son's line of dialogue, giving him the last word in the conversation. Very effective.


          Things I liked :
If something special stood out at me, I'll note it here.

“I always show up where I ain’t wanted. The whole d**n crew here?”
“Crew?”
“Your idiot sister and her fiance? My Father? You know, the family.” —Powerful voice, and effective storytelling through dialogue.

“I’m in here, Jim. No need to yell.”
“Who’s yellin’? Ah, that’s just what I need. Pour me a double, eh Brother?”
“Uh, Sally just got the food set up. Maybe you should wait until after we eat?” — You show so much of the complex family dynamics and coping mechanisms through dialogue. Nice work!

          Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation Suggestions:
These are things I saw that could be changed to improve the piece...

“Fine, make yourself at home, you always do…” — Some lines from Bill seemed at odds with his otherwise avoidant and diplomatic personality. Then again, even the diplomats can get frustrated.

          In Closing:
Final thoughts...

         A wonderful story, well-told. I always love reading well-executed all-dialogue stories. Thank you for sharing, and...

Write On!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .