%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4514949 |
 Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  Good morning, jolanh  , and welcome to WdC. You know me. My real name is Jack Tyler, and I am a former steampunk author who has transitioned to horror, but I try to review a wide variety of styles and genres. While I have a few books in print, I am neither a famous author nor a renowned critic. I'm just a guy with an opinion that I'm here to share, and if you disagree with anything I say here, remember that the only opinion that matters is yours. This is my first review for you, so I should explain that I use this template in which I discuss my views on the important areas of quality storytelling, then compare your work to my own beliefs on the matter. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD STORY: This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. You should note that if you're reading this review, it means you've garnered decent to high marks in this category, or I would have moved on to something more engaging. I will try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination, so congratulations; you've done something well already.   I love the way this begins in what is more or less our familiar world, then jumps suddenly into an alternate time and place. The first novel I successfully finished used this format, and though it ultimately wasn't all that hot (whose first novel is?), it was an enjoyable experience and it's always fun to see it being used again.The one issue I have with your storytelling so far is with the rift itself. You simply tell us that Silverbolt fell through the rift, robbing your story of a tremendous mystery aspect. My opinion is that you should have him jump from the angel and land heavily on the haystack without a clue of what's just happened. He has to work it out piece by piece, and the reader should be allowed to puzzle it out with him. Two moons? No cars? What the hell is this place? He should be thoroughly confused, and the reader should share this confusion. I have four principles displayed above my desk (I'll blog about them later) that I've learned over the course of decades of writing. The second is "let uncertainty fester in the reader." Don't give up all the goods like the fat girl on her first date. An uncertain reader is a curious reader, and far more likely to turn the next page. CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will kill any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? Your characters are all well-drawn to fill the roles allotted to them, and this includes the monster. But the monster is weird. First of all, when I try to envision a killer whale with wolf legs, all I can bring to focus is comedic in nature. You're on another world, possibly in another universe. Don't mash up two Earth predators. Write an original beast for your original world, and make it ghastly!SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? Psychologist's office, angel on the church, more-or-less medieval European architechtural town, all of these settings are just what they need to be. There's nothing to rave about here, and nothing to criticize. These are subtle backdrops that help the reader get into the actions.MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that. Your mechanics are good, but not great. I found a bushel basket of extra commas, missing commas, tense issues, missing apostrophes to denote possession, just an avalanche of little stuff that a good proofreading should take care of. I'll try to show you a few examples....he noticed there are no cars. All he could do is wait for the morning... Silverbolt has never fought on equal footing a day in his life. "We had no idea, my lady." These are all tense issues. These should be he noticed there were no cars, All he could do was wait for the morning, Silverbolt had never fought, and "We have no idea." This last one should be present tense, as the guard is speaking about an event happening in the moment. Silverbolts head throbbed... This is a possessive statement, and should read Silverbolt's head throbbed. This happens in a couple of places. Straw stone and wood were the primary components... This should, of course, be straw, stone, and wood. The Oxford comma is correct but becoming more and more optional as untrained authors tend to ignore it, but the one after straw is absolutely necessary. Silverbolt flattened himself against the wall and listened to if they were trustworthy. Missing word: He listened to see if they were trustworthy. This looks like a lot when you just list them all down like this, but they're all pretty minor, and as I said, a good, thorough proofreading is the cure for most all of these issues. Proofreading is your friend. Do it until you're sick of your own words, and then know that some of these nitpicky details will still make it through. If you want to be a successful author, you have to do the work, and proofreading is some of the most mind-numbing work that goes into it. It is also the most necessary, so pull up your big girl panties and get on with it. SUMMARY: This is a good, solid beginning to an epic fantasy. The market is awash in these, but that's probably just an indication that people like them. The point is that you'll have vast amounts of competition, so you'll have to go above and beyond if you're going to stand out. You have an excellent concept to work with here. Just take your time and be careful; don't sabotage yourself by being careless or in too much of a hurry. The world will wait, and if you nail it, they'll be glad they did!I hope that I have presented my opinions in a way that is constructive, and that you will find helpful to your endeavors going forward. It is never my intention to belittle anyone's efforts or discourage them from following the dream that I have found so fulfilling for the last six decades. In any case, if I can leave you with one thought to take with you, let it be this: Don't forget to have the fun! So many young and/or beginning writers get so caught up in the daily word count, the quest for publication, and the often conflicting advice of other writers that they forget to enjoy the journey. You may or may not become the next Big Celebrity Author, but you will always have the experience. Make sure it's a good one! Read well, and write better,  Jack Want to read more about my style and opinions? Become a regular at
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
||||||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 12/10/2019 @ 7:47pm EST