Hi, iguanamountain !

          Overall Thoughts
My first impressions of your story.

         Hi! I'm back again to look at the next chapter of your novel. I really enjoyed the building tension in the second part of the chapter and look forward to digging deeper into the nature of the Center. The excellent tension carried me easily through most of the story, and you did good work giving readers a sense of the chilly sterility of Billy's 'home.' I did have a bit of trouble making sense of Billy, though—certain actions and reactions were difficult for me to make sense of. I'll try to explain why I responded that way below.

          — Character:

         I am enjoying following Billy as a POV character, since he is different from his peers and is now plagued with fear and tension. He's the perfect person to experience the story with.

         However, I also had some difficulties making sense of his motivations, though I could be missing things. I learned in the last chapter that he experienced a sense of freedom Outside, but I also learned that he had swallowed the things he had been told about the world, its people, and the animals that inhabited it without question before this, so I don't quite know how or why he is different from the people around him, or when it started. Some parts of the story imply it's a new awareness—specifically one he gained only when he went Outside—but some other passages imply that it's a much older feeling. That was a bit jarring. In a few places, exposition filtered through Billy's awareness seemed a bit forced. (I'll highlight any instances of that below in my line comments.)

          — Plot/Pacing:

         Other than the tiny hiccups I mention in the next section, where the volume of detail bogged down the story for me, this chapter read very smoothly. I love how Billy's nervousness and a sense of danger were clear in most of the chapter. The scene with Ms. Marzon was great and added yet another layer of wrongness.

         I actually wish that the hidden packet and Billy's fear was mentioned in the beginning of the chapter (the only part that was a bit tonally off, for me). I was a bit surprised at how slow the start of the chapter felt in light of what Billy learned just prior.

          — Description/Style:

         I truly think this is simply a storytelling/reading preference and doesn't require any revision on your part, but for me, the detail of the surroundings sometimes seemed excessive. Of course, I don't know what to expect in the future—the exact nature of the everyday happenings at the Center may be very relevant to the story you're telling. Sometimes, it seemed to get a bit bogged down in detail, though. Then again, I often tend to use broad brushstrokes—just enough information to set a scene and create the necessary atmosphere. (Either that, or I swing to the opposite extreme ) I think the detail you have here is characteristic of hard Sci-fi and fantasy stories, though, where the universe and its minute details are part of the reason readers engage with the work. I think it's appropriate here, and is simply a matter of preference and genre/subgenre conventions. However, as a writer, you may know if any bits aren't relevant to the advancement of the story and/or slow it down.

          Digging a little deeper:
If something special stood out at me, I'll note it here. Similarly, if a line distracted me or I ran into questions or issues while reading, I'll note it.

The floodlights glared — Strong, excellent descriptions in this first paragraph. They do a great job of setting the scene. Something to be aware of: every sentence in the paragraph starts with "the" and has a similar structure and comparable length, so it was a slightly bumpy read for me.

I'm one of the few with a legitimate reason to go out here, especially alone, he thought with pride. — This feels a bit like naked exposition to me. It may not read that way to other readers, though. Also... his feelings of security and pride are themselves a bit jarring because of the contents of last chapter. Billy seems to be in a completely different emotional state than we found him at the end of last chapter. I wondered, for a minute, if I missed a scene.

The wind blew gusts of fine ice crystals into the air that crackled and clicked against his face mask. — Stunning description. I can hear and feel it.

A feeling of permanence nudged Billy to hear the two-meter-thick insulated port seal away the cold and darkness — You communicate some great information here, but again, using Billy as a vehicle to hear and think about things that we, as readers, may need to know seems a bit unnatural. Billy reads more as a device than a character. I think I'd read these sentences more naturally if you just gave the information to us: With a resounding thud, the two-meter-thick insulated port sealed away the cold and darkness [...]

“What? You didn't eat anything? This hasn't been opened,” — I like how this exchange introduces tension. Billy surprised me by the ease with which he lied. I was expecting a bit more naivete from him and I'm not sure why.

The black-uniformed man, — This is the first mention of him, yet you use the definite article "the," implying he has been referenced before. If this refers to the "agent," then continuing to refer to him as such may be helpful unless the color of his uniform is important.

Todney's waiting," His voice reverberated — What follows the dialogue is not a dialogue tag, so the piece of punctuation inside the quotes should be a period, not a comma.

late-fifties — This would be hyphenated if it modified a noun (ten-year-old boy) but would not be hyphenated as you use it here, when it does not immediately precede or modify a noun (example: ten years old and slim, the boy looked every bit like a younger version of his father).

"I expected as much." — I like what this scene tells us about the process of Billy's return, but the ease with which he explains his lateness and the ease with which others accept it does immediately erase the tension you created with that chilly demand, EXPLAIN FAILURE TO MEET ETA AS SUBMITTED. It does hike up a bit again with the next sentence, as he gets deeper into his lie, though!

Billy became aware of the hallway cameras. — Perhaps it's the filter words, but this stands out in a way that makes it feel a bit contrived. What makes him "become aware"? Does a light on the camera catch his attention? Does it move? I'd love to his eyes flick to the cameras as a response to his new hyperawareness of his surroundings.

Finally,Digging out his key, the plastic packet on his stomach shifted a bit because of the sweat. — Grammatically speaking, the plastic packet is the one digging out his key. The actor needs to come first after this introductory clause if you want to avoid a dangling modifier. He could also be part of the phrase. (Ex. Billy finally dug out his key, and the plastic packet [...])

the plastic packet — I had forgotten about this. Mentioning its presence earlier, if you wanted, might increase the sense of tension and anticipation for readers, so we're just as on-edge as Billy while waiting for him to get somewhere private.

Taking care of belongings was second nature, but this time the actions seemed forced. — Another instance where removing filter words might serve the story. I'd prefer to see and understand that they were forced or no longer second nature than be told it was so. If he trembled as he did so or forgot to put something up as he usually did, I'd immediately understand that his mind was elsewhere.

The vidsensor always watched, [...] the device observed and recorded every coming and going. — This paragraph could be trimmed. There's some repetition.

The idea of being occasionally, or sometimes continually observed, rubbed against a nerve kept deep inside. — It occurs to me again to wonder how and why Billy is different from his fellows in having an instinctive appreciation for the Outside and a distrust of observation. If he, like the others, has been raised to value the security of constant observation, how has he grown to mistrust it?

While growing up, Clove being older, often bullied Billy. — Confusing. It's difficult to identify the subject of the sentence. A comma after "Clove" might clarify things.

The man stood at the back of the dining room near the service doors. — I love the tension here!

their conversations and laughter was (were) always [...] Working with the sled and dogs out on the ice had brought a revelation with a sense of breathtaking personal freedom he'd never experienced — The description of the technicians, with the repetition of always, shows a conscious discomfort that Billy has experienced for a long time. But then the paragraph goes on to say that being out on the ice is what brought the revelation. It's hard for me to tell if Billy has always felt this way or if it's a newer development—or, perhaps, if he has experienced a nameless, subconscious aversion that he can only now put a name to.

"Oh... ah... Crane isn't it? Mister Crane?" She drew back, eyes averted. — Immediate, clear tension. I'm engaged in this scene.

滴e's not at his job and his quarters register empty. [...] 8,・he said. — Looks like something happened to the text when it was pasted into this window... unless you wanted the character for a droplet of water in here. And there's also a random ・ a bit later. I've seen this happen in Wordpad before.

"Miss, you must return to Level-6, the children need your attention." — You've created a great sense of threat in this whole scene. It makes it quite clear to readers that even if we don't know exactly what's wrong, we should be wary.


          In Closing:
Final thoughts...

         A solid chapter that implies dark and interesting things to come. Good work! If you have any questions about why I read something the way I did, don't hesitate to ask. I'd be glad to clarify.

Write On!




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .