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 Review #4515899 |
 | Shirley Suspicious  [18+] The story of Jennifer's death is narrated by 2 different people - Oliver and Shirley.  |
| (4.5)  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Good morning, abaru , and welcome to WdC. For the record, my real name is Jack Tyler, and I am a former steampunk author who has transitioned to horror, but I try to review a wide variety of styles and genres. While I have a few books in print, I am neither a famous author nor a renowned critic. I'm just a guy with an opinion that I'm here to share, and if you disagree with anything I say here, remember that the only opinion that matters is yours. I should explain that I use this review template in which I discuss my views on the important areas of quality storytelling, then compare your work to my own beliefs on the matter. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Before I pitch in, allow me to offer a suggestion: Put a little of yourself into your bio sections. You will receive much more tailored reviews if your reviewer knows a little about your background and experience level. Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD STORY: This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. You should note that if you're reading this review, it means you've garnered decent to high marks in this category, or I would have moved on to something more engaging. I will try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination, so congratulations; you've done something well already.  This is a beautifully constructed story of conspiracy, betrayal, and catastrophe. Telling it twice from two different viewpoints isn't unique or original, but it is a little-used technique that is executed to great effect here in a story where it really finds its place. The ending is amazing when he finally comes to terms with the fact that his daughter was killed along with his wife, and she isn't present with them at the grave site, and never has been. Include the little hint that Shirley might be a serial insurance-collector, and I was blown away!CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will kill any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? Your characters are well-drawn with credible backstories and are true to their professed motivations. The agony of Oliver's realization of what he has unexpectedly set in motion arrives with incredible devastation, and yet subtlety, as he comes to terms with the ultimate fruits of his scheming. Just brilliant.SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? Every setting, from the hospital bed to the therapy sessions, to Oliver and Shirley's meetings, is exactly as it should be, making a contribution to the story without intruding into it. This is handled as masterfully as the first two categories, and I must tip my hat to your consummate skill.MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that.  This is generally very good, with maybe a couple of comma hiccups and the like, not really worth harping on. However, there are a couple of phrases that feel clunky and unnatural, not the way people would speak at all. The most egregious example is when the doctor says You fainted instantly when you learned about the horrific accident that took place when your wife Jennifer was driving yesterday afternoon. That stopped me in my tracks for a re-read. I could see a doctor saying "You fainted and hit your head when you were told about your wife's accident. We felt we should keep you for observation." Or something along that line. The doctor making a value judgment about the "quality" of the accident and specifying the time seem like things a doctor wouldn't do. There were one or two others, but nothing stopped me like this one, so we'll just say the rest were style differences where what I'd like to have seen didn't quite align, so there's nothing really wrong with them. Good job, in any case.SUMMARY: This is a fabulous piece of work, and it achieves the high marks largely because you didn't "hand-hold" the reader, shining a spot light on what he's supposed to notice. That's the way you tell a story. Trust your reader to understand what you're saying, and you can't go too far wrong; he was smart enough to pick your story read, after all, so he should be smart enough to figure it out!In any case, knowing nothing about your age or experience level, let me offer a thought to take with you: Don't forget to have the fun! So many young and/or beginning writers get so caught up in the daily word count, the quest for publication, and the often conflicting advice of other writers that they forget to enjoy the journey. You may or may not become the next Big Celebrity Author, but you will always have the experience. Make sure it's a good one! Read well, and write better,  Jack Want to read more about my style and opinions? Become a regular at
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 12/03/2019 @ 12:48pm EST