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Review #4526950
Viewing a review of:
 Pain  [E]
One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star. Nietzsche
by Freelancer1131
Review of Pain  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
I love, love, love the description line to inspire the write of this poem. It shows depth and a desire to reflect on the quote from a great mind.

What you are developing here is your voice. I scan through the lines to see what was strongest and most sobering thought, "I wish I could give in to the willful ignorance that I see so many others engage." It sets a tone. You look at yourself and compare to actions of others to discover true reality, morality. You have to be yourself, own who you are.

I felt your poem could have been more succinct. It could use editing to tighten up and deliver more profoundly your message. You could employ a unique poetic device in this process...by losing references to self as the poem progresses. A good challenge would be to remove the 'I' as you reveal the self-assured individual emerging.

I take low-esteem as a reason to reiterate Self often. As we become confident, we don't focus on internal as much, but external...almost as if removing ourself, removing the introspection to see external forces. You could do this as the poem builds toward self-assuredness.

What I would also like to see is taking a cue from Nietzsche and show that ascension to star. It could be the same metaphor, or one of your own. If you are more descriptive with less showing, your words can visually stun. Poetry is expression, setting oneself apart from ordinary language. As an example, I like to draw from nature. It could encompass anything we relate with from a tree to its leaves, from the moon rise to a sunset. We identify with nature's creatures, the seasons, the metamorphosis of butterflies. So many comparatives to capture the essence of your profound words.

I'm sure you've been exposed to great writing. Read, harness the inner feelings and write to see if you can emulate those feelings.

You are a deeply connected person who can use literature to give greater expressions to your emotions and find other like minded writers. Keep at it. You're on the right track.

Thank you for sharing this,

Brian

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