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Review #4527327
Viewing a review of:
 A Break in The Clouds  [E]
Watching a sunset on a long bus journey, listening to Less by Nils Fram, and loving life
by Michael Rose🏳️‍🌈
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hello Michael Rose🏳️‍🌈 ,

I'm reviewing you as a member of WDC Angel Army.

I was struck by the title of this poem and wanted see how it would reveal. The impressions you share are very relatable, remind how moving a sunset could be. It stands on its own merit for descriptiveness and some emotion. I can see it there on the surface of it.

I might have some suggestions when you approach a beautiful moment like this and want to capture its essence. First, is to remember you're in the moment and there is a progression of events. This is part of the editing process after getting it all down. Does it sequence correctly? At the end you have the world is monochrome again before mentioning the golden leaf of a statue (nice) fading. Could the lines reverse order?

I would fall in love with the rhyming sound of 'creases' and 'ceases', but could better description for the figurative end of the day be used there? How is the silence connected to the narrative voice? We find out a little in second stanza looking forward to a new day.

It wouldn't hurt to depict where this vantage point is...the bus and maybe a clue why this dreamy recitation of a moving sunset. Bad day, ready for new? Is there something that could be illustrated without telling why narrator is so moved.

I don't know if you intended to get heavy-handed with four consecutive lines beginning with 'the' but as free verse goes it didn't punctuate the read. But, I really enjoyed what was happening in that last verse. I like the feeling of the day slipping away. Sunsets are luminescent, paint a landscape in colors seldom seen. Describing colors would be a better pursuit, like describing pinks as flamingo rays or gold as marigold coin (sun), for instance.

We assume poetry operates on a higher plane of understanding, wanting to share some knowable/perceived mystery of life/nature. I think you are reaching it here. Your voice and line lengths really gave a nice feel to the read. If you do want to revisit this, make alterations, or create something new. I'm all in and would love to see more.

Brian

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