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Review #4529182
Viewing a review of:
Last Hurt  [13+]
Written while in such pain....
by Ida_Matilda_Wright Help
Review of Last Hurt  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Dear Ida_Matilda_Wright Help ,

I'm reviewing you on behalf of the WDC Angel Army.

This was very sad to read. Taking a story and setting to poem takes courage and effort. Since it is very personal, I don't feel it is the type you edit or try improve. This is just the beginning of something.

My feeling is writing helps deal with psychological issues that need definition/shaping. You set out to tell something very complex and personal. It is very easy to iunderstand and follow. This is essentially rhyming prose.

Now that you have been through this process, what's the next step with your writing? Do you get deeper into this subject matter? If so, I can suggest ways how. I can suggest approaches to taking key passages of this poem, breaking it into several poems relating specifics that you have wrestled with here. I'll list:

1- manipulation of the daughter (used against you), can describe details, how it made you feel, related custody issues and lacking control

2- stanza about the boys. Flesh it out, how it's custody related, concerns about their well being in helpless situation

3- I'm getting lost custody here and how it impacts you emotionally. The little moments of helplessness collected over time and how it is affecting sanity...but upside causing you to put faith in God.

4- faith in god, a positive poem where you can sound positive in situations that would otherwise leave you feeling helpless. Need to see coping methods.

There are more. What I'm looking for is not telling like a story. Come strong with descriptive, transcendent events. Show some ominous events, tease with the mystery of your unknowing. Describe what's going on with you when you receive news, how does it alter your reality. Did you stop doing something, did you think about hopping in a car to go see them? You could show anxiety over distance apart. The feeling about a girl brainwashed who loved and trusted you as a child. How that relationship altered needs mending.

I don't even get a feel for role of the step mother.

I support your endeavor to write through this. I've said the writing process makes me feel like I have an understanding friend. It's probably why you thought of God at end. You are finding strength through faith because the pen and paper helped you there.

I would research and learn about custody battles and spiteful spouses to gain greater perspective during this process. Great way to get upper hand, know what to expect, if anything.

One typo in fifth stanza, last line, should read 'turning this mother's heart...' That's about all I have. Be brave. This write is brave. Whatever you can do for your kids despite the obstacles, bless the parent.

Brian
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